Just the other day, Microsoft Studios sacrificed their former creative director Dan Orth to the prevailing public opinion that he’s a fucking douche who needs to drink a tall glass of some Shut The Fuck Up Juice.  At issue was DRM for the “Next Xbox,” which has been purported to employ an Always On feature to validate gameplay.  The very thought of this caused quite a wave of ire and backlash throughout the gaming community…even Bert was pissed when he heard.

Rather than dispel rumor or even at least address the backlash with some degree of tact or diplomacy, Dan Orth (the aforementioned former creative director of Microsoft Studios) took to Twitter with a rather condescending remark on the subject.

 

 

#DealWithIt has since become an internet meme used when someone is acting like a complete and total buffoon in attempt to defend a person or a process that is so fundamentally wrong that its very existence is an affront to common sense and personal dignity.  It’s come to symbolize an industry that has become so bloated and stagnant that it might as well be the zombie at the bottom of Herschel Greene’s well.

 

 

 

Ahhh, irony.  You may or may not know or care that there’s a new generation of consoles set to be released to retail shelves sometime prior to this Christmas shopping season.  Regardless of any of our positions on weather or not a new gen of consoles is necessary or even called for at this point is irrelevant…this is happening.  We’ve heard plenty about PS4 to this point…and I guess Nintendo released a new console, too…but all the noise about Microsoft’s “Next Xbox” is that it’s going to (allegedly) not play used games and have an Always On DRM Lockout.

 

For the unfamiliar, Always On is a form of Digital Rights Management, which is a series of safeguards that software and (now apparently) hardware manufacturers created to protect against piracy.  Always On means your next gen Xbox will always have to have an established and stable broadband connection to the internet to work.  I know many of my friends don’t enjoy online multiplayer games…yet unfortunately if rumors are to be believed, the next gen Xbox will require a continuous high speed connection even to play a single player game.

 

Of course, this means you can’t ever have a power outage, internet outage or simply not have an internet connection if you want to play games on your next gen Xbox…like…at all.  Yes…even if you have no intention of EVER playing your game online in any way…it simply won’t work if your next gen Xbox isn’t logged in online.  And when I say “logged in,” you know that I mean logged in…to Xbox LIVE.  That pesky $60 tax Microsoft imposes on their customers to use the internet that they already pay for.  Given the fact that not only has M$ double dipped their customers’ ISPs for the last ten years, but they INCREASED the price of double dipping by $10 a couple of years ago…it’s safe to assume that you’re going to need to be or to get paid up on your Xbox LIVE Gold…just to have a reason to turn your next gen Xbox on.

 

Naturally, the very idea has made gamers hostile.  The problem with the situation however is that customer hostility and backlash is something very very different for Microsoft and Xbox.  Not to be preachy or judgemental…even tho I’m going to be…but Xbox users are a strange bunch.  Maybe I’m just being an old geezer here, but IMO Microsoft has been the enemy of paying customers since they released Windows 98.  The last time that many anti-trust suits were brought against one company, Standard fucking Oil was broken up and the Rockefeller family went from being Oil Barons to being politicians.  Yet…Xbox users LOOOOOOVE Microsoft.

 

Think about the overall picture of Xbox fanboys.  First, they’re in bed with the devil.  I know, Bobby Kotick is the fucking devil, but ladies and gentlemen if he slips and falls in the shower, Bill fucking Gates will be right there to pick up the torch and take his rightful place in the center of the frozen river of Cocytus.  Microsoft wrote the book on “Money Grubbing Bitches,” then they turned it into an art form.  It’s now a regular show on Broadway.  Bill Gates gives billions away to any charity with a bank account…all to avoid paying taxes…Paul Allen bought the city of Seattle or something…these are guys that were programming spreadsheets before they stole tech from Xerox…they almost literally “pirated” their way to an obscene amount of riches…and despite the fact that they’re bending over backwards to make sure gamers don’t “pirate” them in the same way they did Xerox…for some reason gamers held Microsoft as champions.

 

They pay Microsoft a yearly subscription for Xbox LIVE…which well all know is a ripoff.  They seem contractually obligated to love every game in the Halo series.  THEY EVEN LOVE THE BAN HAMMER!!!!  Seriously…”Major Nelson,” or Larry Hryb as his mom named him, is the guy in charge of enforcing bans on Xbox LIVE.  He has an official, non predatory job title, but he’s basically the ban hammer for M$.  I remember once M$ banned like a million “accounts” in a day and this fucking guy held a press conference gloating about it as if he’d just won the Heavyweight Belt from Muhammad Ali in his prime.

 

But of course…no “accounts” were banned, noooooo.  Microsoft doesn’t ban ACTUAL ACCOUNTS.  They ban CONSOLES that they logged/marked/think were somehow cheating or playing pirated software.  They don’t ban the Xbox LIVE account…and that’s why this prick Hryb was so happy…because by bricking a million Xbox 360s, he knew that he’d pretty much created at least 600,000 new Xbox 360 sales.  Yes.  If you ask my opinion, Microsoft bans people so brazenly (as opposed to Sony, who needs a trial by jury to ban and reset a known cheater) because they know that for every 10 consoles they brick, they’ll sell 6 new ones.  That’s correct…not to digress too far, but Microsoft’s banning policy on Xbox LIVE is little more than a ploy to artificially inflate their sales figures…and Larry Hryb is the man behind this cunning and devious ploy…

 

…AND STILL XBOX FANBOYS LOVE THIS DUDE!?!?!?!?!?  Seriously.  I got no love for narcs, snitches, snake oil slinging scumbags or people who think that they have a right to take other people’s money for nothing…and that’s exactly what Larry Hryb is, that’s exactly what he and Xbox LIVE represent, yet Xbox fanboys love both of them.  They will scream you down about how XBL is the greatest “service” on the planet and “Major Nelson” is the coolest cat this side of Prince.  But I’m not here to talk about XBL or Larry Hryb.

 

This is where we come back to Dan Orth…and it’s also where he AND Microsoft went dead fucking wrong.  By moving to Always On, Microsoft is trying to milk a cow that stopped lactating months ago.  You can’t force people to keep an internet connection if they want to play a single player game.  Some people aren’t rich…they don’t necessarily have 4G cell phones or high speed internet, but they still like to game.  The economy is shit.  The game industry’s economy is even shittier than the global economy.  Studios are getting shuttered weeks before AAA launches that they’ve ground years to produce…some of them, 38 Studios for example, were shuttered before finishing their game, despite ridiculous infusions of millions of dollars.  Gamers want to see the industry pick itself up and adapt to the times, not implode under the weight of its own hubris.

 

Yet despite the crappy economy, Sony and Microsoft are launching their “Next Generation of Consoles” later this year.  Not only is this an ill advised move given the economic realities of the gaming industry in 2013, but games like God Of War Ascension and The Last of Us are launching, and they’re showing off graphics and technical prowess that would indicate that this generation of consoles has not yet reached its full potential, therefore making the launch of the next generation premature and unnecessary.  Quite honestly, all indications are that this next generation of consoles might end in a similar way that the video games crash of the 1980s did.

 

With the potential of this generation still not fully actualized, with the economy in shambles and with people paying less and less money for games no matter how good they are (for examples see THQ and Square Enix), Microsoft somehow has the balls to feel entitled to their money.  After all, they forced them to pay for Xbox LIVE…then they forced all Xbox LIVE users to have high speed broadband connections…then they turned their “Paid Service” into a glorified billboard…then they started banning people like crazy when they realized that 60% of the banned would simply buy a new console.

 

Why shouldn’t Microsoft feel entitled to their customers’ money??  They’ve been fucking Xbox users up the ass since they introduced the damn thing a dozen years ago…why should this next gen be any different??  Xbox LIVE Gold subs for everyone and that internet connection better be high speed and humming or else your nice new $500 Xbox 720 and the $70 game you just bought won’t work.  Deal with it.

 

That is why Dan Orth is no longer with Microsoft.  Orth’s comments themselves aren’t particularly snarky or undignified until you get to the hashtag.  They’re certainly wrong.  In my home between myself, my wife and our three kids, we have laptops, tablets, smartphones, Vitas, 3DSes, PS3s and Xbox 360s…plural.  Those devices are NOT connected to the internet all of the time.  I’m not going to lie…the economy is in the shitter and there were a few months in the last 12 or 24 where the wife and I had to shut down the internet to make sure every end was met that month.  When you have three kids and a mortgage and aren’t part of “The One Percent,” then sometimes those are the sacrifices that you have to make.

 

Orth’s post, while completely stupid and wrong, reflected this sense that Microsoft feels entitled to gamers’ money.  He basically went on Twitter and dared every potential “Next Xbox” user to not buy the next Xbox.  Seriously how does anyone of sound mind in the position that he was in, working for a company that’s ramping up to their biggest, most expensive and most critical product launch in seven years…how the fuck was he THAT FUCKING STUPID to go all condescending on Twitter, telling people #DealWithIt

 

Cliffy B came out and lamented the parting of the ways between Orth and M$, taking care to spell out that Orth wasn’t fired, but had “resigned.”  First of all, Gears Of War wasn’t a good enough game for Cliffy B to have all this goodwill.  Dude is a Twitter Troll the likes of which even Orth probably thinks crosses a line.  How the hell he’s still employed in the indust–oh…wait.  Secondly, I know what people are saying is that he resigned…I however don’t believe that his resignation was anything about which he had a choice.  Microsoft stands to lose it’s fucking ass if the next Xbox goes the way of the Wii U.

 

Seriously think about the history of the Xbox.  The original Xbox sold 24,000,000 units.  Xbox fanboys look at the original as a triumph, but in reality,  Xbox only sold 2 million more units than GameCube, which is widely considered an abject failure.  PS2 of course sold like 150 million units and they’re probably still selling them.  Then the 360 stormed out of the gates a year ahead of PS3 and seemed poised to ultimately beat Playstation…but in the end, PS3′s sales caught up and passed 360.  Sony continued to support the PS3 long after M$ practically abandoned the 360 to work on the next gen, so there’s pretty much no way Microsoft doesn’t come in third place with the final sales tally of this gen.

 

Microsoft has done well for itself, make no mistake, but again…this is the beast that Billy Gates built.  They’re not used to “doing well for themselves” in Seattle, they’re used to owning the game, driving the competition out of business and letting the lawyers handle pesky, unimportant things such as Monopoly accusations, Anti Trust lawsuits, Business Ethics and the like.  Microsoft doesn’t want to “do well” in the next gen, they want to win and win big.  Orth’s comments ignited a firestorm of bad publicity and consumer vitriol the likes of which Microsoft’s gaming division has never seen.  No…I don’t believe for a second that Orth “resigned.”  I’m pretty sure that if he hadn’t “resigned,” they’d have fired him.  In the end, his boneheaded tweet may still cost Microsoft billions of dollars…no way anyone survives THAT shit storm.

 

Anyways, Cliffy B was fairly apologetic and even tried to further Orth’s actual point, concerning the nature of gaming devices and their growing relationship with the internet…but even he admitted that what Orth said was stupid, and it was indeed stupid enough for a guy to lose his job.  And that’s the thing.  Microsoft, Sony, Nintendo, Activision, EA, Ubisoft…they’re not entitled to our money.  They can’t just run some crappy product out there and expect the vulgar masses to lap it up.  Nintendo’s learning that lesson the hard way right now with Wii U.  Third parties can’t seem to abandon the platform fast enough…and with good reason.  Like the Wii before it, the Wii U is not even close to being able to run the same kinds of games with the same kind of graphics and performance as the Sony and Microsoft consoles of the same gen will be able to.

 

Nintendo of course let their hubris cloud their judgement.  They didn’t see the success of the Wii for the lightning in the bottle that it was, they saw it as a license to be as douchey as they wanted to be.  Now the Wii U is a sinking ship.  Orth’s comments were borne out of the same sort of hubris…the same sense of entitlement.  In so doing, he completely failed to have any empathy for his paying customers and pissed almost all of them off.  And all I have to say is:  It’s about fucking time.

 

You can’t be a dick like that on Twitter…especially if you’re going to be counting on customers to dig deep into their pocketbooks for you later on down the line.  You can’t alienate your userbase.  We can hope that this will show Microsoft just how stupid Always On DRM is and maybe encourage them to take steps to eliminate it from their next generation of consoles…but it might honestly be too late for that.  Either way, there’s one less condescending douchebag working for Microsoft Studios, and while that may not be good news for Dan Orth, his family, or the people who own the note on his car and/or house, it’s right that people be held accountable for the words out of their mouth.  Back in my day, there used to be the saying that “You don’t want your mouth to write checks that your ass can’t cash.”

 

Cliffy can lament Orth’s fate all he wants, but the proof is right there on Orth’s Twitter account right now.  Try to find him on Twitter, and you’ll get a message that his Twitter account is now “Protected,” and you have to be a “confirmed follower” to see his tweets.  If this issue was as irrelevant as Cliffy B (and I’m sure Dan Orth) want us to think it is, then why is Orth’s Twitter account now locked??  Why is he now hiding his opinion if he’s on some kind of moral high ground??

 

The answer is simple:  He’s not on some moral high ground.  He’s a fucking idiot who was talking shit when he should’ve probably been listening or at least doing something more productive.  In that way, he’s indicative of the younger generation…a bunch of entitled pussies who’ve been so coddled that they can’t bear the thought of something that might force them out of the precious little box they live in.  Too many of these little shits think that the world owes them a favor…that somehow life has to conform to them.  That’s clearly the way Orth felt about the Next Xbox being an Always On DRM machine.

 

Oh well…while you and I may have what’s referred to as “common sense,” not all people do…and some people have to learn this the hard way.  Fuck ‘em.  That’s what they get.

…seriously.  And FYI…don’t read this if you don’t want to have aspects of God Of War Ascension spoiled for you the way they were spoiled for me.  Although I’m courteous enough to at least sound the ****SPOILER ALERT**** on this, I really, really wish that certain bald, fugly “game journalists” had the same respect for me.  I’m not mentioning names…yes I am, it was Adam Sessler.  Old wavy hands, on a crusade Adam Sessler…

 

Some of you may be aware that Adam Sessler got his review of God Of War Ascension up on Rev3games and was in quite the tizzy about the a sequence where you curb stomp one of the main protagonists of the game, which was rewarded with a trophy called Bros Before Hos.  Like a good Potato Head, Sessler got his angry eyes out of his butt and started yammering about how offended he was by the trophy, referring to it as a “misogynistic gut punch.”

 

Now, having only seen it once and having not gone over it with a fine tooth comb, I can only assume the trophy’s name was what offended him, because the preceding sequence in which you curb stomp what you think is a magical, pissed off woman who just spent the last ten minutes trying to kill you with all sorts of magical fuckery…yeah THAT wasn’t anything different from the standard fare of depraved indifference for human life that God Of War has been serving up since 2005.  So if THAT is what set Sess off, then what we’re looking at here is a little hypocrisy mixed with a double standard.  But we’re going to assume that that is not the case.

 

Sessler’s the one who initially convinced me to get God Of War when it was fresh to market.  Understand, I’m a grown ass man with a family.  Until all of my children have graduated college and accepted positions in their chosen careers, there will ALWAYS be better, more important things for me to spend my money on than a video game.  I used to NEVER buy games brand new…I always waited for the price drop.  At least that’s how it went until Sessler and Morgan Webb got in front of the X Play cameras and used all of the fluffy adjectives they could think of to describe the satisfyingly visceral gameplay of the original God Of War on PS2.

 

Now, if you’ve followed Sessler, you know he’s not really one for bullying in any fashion, and as a parent I get and respect that.  Really what parent wouldn’t?  But the thing is…and I’ll try to keep it buttoned up on this, but IT’S A FUCKING GOD OF WAR GAME.  GOD OF WAR –GOD OF FUCKING WAR.  KRATOS.  SPARTA.  THAT GAME WHERE YOU LITERALLY RIP SOMEONE’S HEAD OFF AND SHIT DOWN THEIR NECK.  REPEATEDLY.  GOD OF WAR.  MCFLY??

 

Seriously…real talk right now…just think about the story of Kratos…successful Spartan general…pledges his immortal soul into servitude to ARES to avoid death in battle…goes on series of indiscriminate, murdering rampages at Ares’ behest…KILLS HIS OWN WIFE AND CHILD, KILLS HIS OWN WIFE AND CHILD, KILLS HIS OWN WIFE AND CHILD in a blind rage while also raping and pillaging a village that looked peaceful enough…

 

…seriously.  The entire series of God Of War games is basically a chain of unspeakable acts committed in rapid and brutal succession by Kratos.  Sessler has always admitted that he’s loved the game, he’s enjoyed watching Kratos mutilate and murder his way to the top…we all have.  So why is it that naming a trophy ‘Bros Before Hos’ is misogynistic??  I refuse to lend any creedence to a qualification of the phrase itself as misogynistic, because that’s absolutely ridiculous.

 

Pardon me, but I’m going to take a minute and pretend that I don’t owe anyone an apology for my gender.  I love my wife and if anyone were to suggest to me that I’m a sexist, I would invite them to suck my ass.  That said, there is nothing wrong with the phrase “Bros Before Hos.”  Quite honestly, it’s something that every man should be taught by his father.

 

But the best part is…that’s not even why I’m upset.  So they changed the name of the trophy…whatevs.  I still knew it was Bros Before Hos when I earned it, and it’ll always be Bros Before Hos…even if it says Foes…because we all knew what that trophy name was days before the game was released, because Sessler spoiled it in his review.

 

…and that’s what I’m actually pissed about.  When the time came for the bossfight in question, I knew how it would end.  There was no surprise or shock in the visceral and brutal manner in which my enemy passed, because Adam Sessler had successfully described it to me in fairly thorough detail several days before.  Because of all the comments that appeared on sites like Youtube, Rev3, Destructoid, et. al. in response to Sessler’s rage, I knew that Kratos hadn’t even curb stomped a Fury/woman, but an impostor.  I also knew that a trophy was coming and it did.

 

But none of that resonated at all.  It had none of the affect that the developers had intended, because it had already be thoroughly spoiled to me, by some overly sensitive bald guy who likes to rant about things that appear to be “injustices” through the uptight glasses with which he chooses to view the world.  Yes ladies and gentlemen…Adam Sessler’s need to express his perceived moral superiority is more important than objectivity (he goes on to admit that the trophy name somehow inexplicably colored his assessment of the rest of the game) and also more important that Rev3′s viewers’ right to check out a review without fear that it’ll spoil a major part of the game.

 

Furthermore, Sessler went on to describe the now nerfed Trials of Archimedes.  Sessler goes into excruciating detail about the Trials.  He tells you what they’re named, he tells you that they are at a point that is very near the end of the game, he tells you that it is a scenario that sees many enemies of varied size and difficulty attack Kratos in waves for a prolonged period of time.

 

So now, not only can I not have the opportunity to play through the Trials with the degree of difficulty that the devs intended…but every time I hear the name “Archimedes” in game, I can’t help but think, “Damn…we’re coming up on the end of the game.”  I’m not sure if I’m close to the Trials or close to the end, but Archimedes’ name is fairly prominent in the section I’m playing through, and combined with the fact that the Trials’ difficulty, design and placement in the game were spoiled…it’s really bringing my overall game experience down.

 

Seriously.  Sessler…I know you’re an opinionated guy and I know that you’ve got a soft spot on your angry side for anything that you perceive to be bullying…but really…just shut the fuck up.  You’re too uptight.  If someone stuck a lump of coal up your ass, in a week they’d have a diamond.  Things that you consider to be morally objectionable aren’t always morally objectionable.  But thanks to your bloated ego and overinflated sense of self importance, I didn’t get to experience the “Bros Before Hos” trophy…hell, I didn’t even get to enjoy the entire sequence, because YOU FUCKING RUINED IT.

 

I love you, Sess.  I loved you on X Play, you were one of two reasons that G4 was even watchable, and I’m probably still going to watch your reviews of games I have interest in because I do value your opinion…but stick to reviews…leave your butthurt crusading to your soapbox pieces and STOP FUCKING SPOILING GAMES.  Seriously…this isn’t even me being a militant chauvanist jerk…this is me being pissed that a large portion of an expensive game that I’ve been waiting for war fucking ruined by some guy who is I THOUGHT was going to present an objective, spoiler free review.

 

So yeah, quick reminder…we still love him, but noone’s perfect so…Fuck Adam Sessler.

I’m just going to get this out of the way upfront:  I fucking hate Nintendo.  It’s my opinion that of the three console developers, Nintendo is the one that is the most pompous, egotistical and condescending.  That’s strong conferrence when you consider that Microsoft makes Xbox users pay them $60.00 a year just to play their games online and Sony doesn’t feel the need to market, support or even provide a number of AAA games at launch for their consoles to be successful.

You may or may not be aware of Nintendo’s slightly controversial “I Am Not A Gamer” advertising campaign, and if you are, then you may or may not have feelings about it.  There’s more than a few gamers who are rallying against Nintendo, claiming that the campaign makes derisive comments about gamers, the type of people gamers are and our place in society.  That’s certainly understandable, as Nintendo is a brand that all gamers know about and have experienced in a positive way at least once.

Serious.  Legit.  On the real.  If you played Donkey Kong, Super Mario Bros, Tecmo Bowl, vs. Excitebike, Blades of Steel, Legend of Zelda, Metroid, Donkey Kong Country, Star Fox, Goldeneye…and that’s just the shit that goes back before Y2K.  If you’re a gamer, you’ve played a Nintendo game, and you’ve enjoyed the hell out of it.  Doesn’t matter if it’s one of those or one of the dozens that went unmentioned, it’s a universal constant.

Hell, my wife, who doesn’t game at all except for the occasional round of Mortal Kombat (I try to let her win)…even she’s played Ocarina of Time.  I got the 3DS version for her as a gift…she loves it.

So this is a big year for Nintendo.  They’re releasing the second analog add on for the 3DS, they’ve got a lot of big games on the horizon AND there’s the launch of WiiU.  They’ve got a lot invested in the next couple of years here, and what they’re doing with this ad isn’t necessarily marketing the 3DS…they’re marketing Nintendo.  More specifically, they’re appealing to the people who made the Wii the top selling console this generation…even tho it’s not a seventh generation console.

As a thirty something year old guy, I’ve been in the private sector for a while.  Even though the Atari 2600 came out when I was a kid and the Genesis was huge in my pre teen years, I didn’t run into too many gamers in the private sector.  Sure, there were lots of people who played Madden…but not many gamers…people who play games for entertainment as well as competition…people who played other games like Resident Evil and such.

The casual gamer is the coveted demographic for the gaming industry, but with the Wii, Nintendo didn’t just win that demographic, they won over people who are completely non gamers.  I have two sisters that have children.  They’re both over 40 and quit video games in the early to mid eighties when they outgrew our Atari 2600.  They both have a Wii.  They both PLAY their Wii.  Not much…typically only with their kids or my kids, but they play it.

My parents…used to tell me that I’d never get paid to play video games.  I still don’t but it’s nice to know that the gaming industry does in fact pay people to play.  My mom never played our Atari, let alone my Sega Master System or Genesis…but my parents have a Wii, and they play it.  Not often…at all, but they do.

Nintendo got people who don’t give a fuck about games to not only give a fuck, but to pony up and buy a few.  The problem is that most of those people stopped gaming on the Wii or at least stopped buying games or new Nintendo products a long time ago.  Nintendo’s “I Am Not A Gamer” campaign is aimed at reminding all those non gamers who made them rich that they’ve got a new console coming out, and they’d like some repeat business out of their demographic.

This may help with the casuals, but I don’t really think WiiU is going to catch on with non gamers the way Wii did.  Most of those people already have a smartphone and probably don’t think enough of games as an entertainment medium to invest in a new Nintendo console.

Of course, those of us in the know also know that in the next two years, Sony and Microsoft will be releasing their next generation consoles, which will most likely blow the WiiU out of the water in terms of graphic capabilities and overall functionality.  Nintendo’s executives, the smug, elitest douchebags that they are…aren’t dumb douchebags.

They know that the flock of casuals and non gamers to their platform is the only thing that let them get away with releasing the Wii…which is basically a high end Gamecube that uses a knock off of the Playstation Eye for the controller.  The “I Am Not A Gamer” campaign isn’t geared toward making gamers seem meek or lowly.  It’s geared toward all the people who bought the Wii, Wii Sports and other assorted shovelware…and it’s a pretty bold attempt to lure them back in.

Personally, I don’t see it happening.  Real gamers soured on Wii less than a year after it came out.  The only good games for it were Nintendo first party games and they really couldn’t have given any less of a shit with involving legit third party devs with their platform to release legit AAA games.  Casuals on non gamers swarmed on the Wii…and now most of them don’t even use it anymore, unless they don’t have a Blu Ray on which they can stream Netflix.

Nintendo’s got to somehow convince all the non gamers who bought Wii that their enjoyment with a console wasn’t a fad.  It’s not likely to happen in my opinion, and releasing a seventh generation console just one calendar year before Sony and Microsoft come out with the eighth generation is really just hubris.  These guys think that they just have to clap their hands and say “WiiU” and the non gamers will come running, or at least that seems to be their strategy.

Of course, the Gamecube had the sixth generation’s best console graphics and they only sold 22 million units (as compared to 24 million for the Xbox and 140 some odd million for PS2), so with their Wii win, maybe they’re thinking “crappier graphics = better sales!!”  I think they’re dead wrong, but give them credit for sticking to the formula that won it for them last time…weird controller and obsolete graphics.

Give Nintendo a break.  They won the seventh generation without even introducing a seventh generation console.  The possibility of them winning the eighth generation with a seventh generation console is slim to none.  With the windfall one can assume Nintendo’s amassed with their fortunes from Wii, DS and 3DS, this gamble won’t destroy Mario if it fails…

…which is great because I don’t like to feel bad about people losing their livelihood when I’m mocking their failures.

In January, Crytek released a multiplayer demo of their upcoming release Crysis 2 on the Xbox 360 for Gold members to download.  Crysis 2 was immediately met with complaints of server lag, crashing, freezing and honestly once those issues were fixed, it became obvious to most people that the game as released on the demo was pretty much crap.

Life went on…most gamers not really giving a crap about this overhyped, overrated, average shooter.  Then…quite recently, executive producer Nathan Camarillo has had this to say:

Regarding a demo for PS3, Camarillo mused that PS3 users can “probably hope for one.”  Then he clarified his remarks, implying that the only reason that PS3 users could “probably hope” for a demo of Crysis 2 is because “we want as many people to play the game” as possible, meaning that they want as many people to spend their money on the game as possible.

Then he went on to talk about possibilities for downloadable content, which they’ll probably want your money for, too.  No word on if it’ll come to the 360 first, or when PS3 users could “probably hope” to get their hands on it.

Well, as a Playstation 3 user, Camarillo and Crytek can probably hope to suck deeez fucking nuts if they think I’m bothering with their game.  Everyone I know who tried the MP demo on 360 was completely underwhelmed, with one friend saying that Crysis 2 went from being a possible week 1 buy to being a rental.  At best.

Crysis 2 is scheduled to release March 1st, if you give a shit.  However last I checked, Killzone 3 comes out February 22nd, and given that it’ll probably be a better game with better multiplayer and is sure to have better graphics, so forgive me if I gives a fuck about another shooter/alien invasion/end of the world type thing going on, here.

Of course, it was more the condescencion in what was said that prompted this, but saying that I could “probably hope” for a demo implies that I gave a fuck about this game in the first place.  I didn’t.  All Crytek has ever made real waves with was their graphics, and if it’s not a PS3 exclusive, then we know the graphics are going to be not as good as games like Killzone 3 have.

Crytek, I’ll be forthcoming.  You shouldn’t “probably hope” to get any of my money, because you won’t.  Even if I was moderately interested in your game, which I’m not, your little smarm about how we can “probably hope” for a demo would’ve killed any interest that I might have (but in actuality never really) ever had.

Fuck you too, bitches.

PSGroove, the free open source PSJailbreak alternative, is now available. Days before the offical PSJailbreak has been shipped to the distributors.

This is based off of a dump of an offical PS Jailbreak sample with a couple modifications made. The major modification to the PSJailbreak code was the removal of Blu-Ray emulation which effectively kills Backup Manager, the other modification however is a nice upgrade that allows you to disconnect the USB key from the PS3 after its done booting. You can also edit the code to enable BR emulation however I will not get into that here. Google is your friend.

The work was done by well known hacker/developer Mathieulh and the team of anonymous devs he collaborates with. He had mentioned on Twitter a few days ago that he had successfully cloned the PSJailbreak and that a release would be coming within the next week. It requires the use of a Teensy++ or Atmel AT90USBKEY. These are development boards that most people are not going to use for anything outside of this but they are cheap so its not a big loss and its not a bad piece of hardware to have laying around either. Never know when one will come in handy.

For most end users however I’d recommend holding off. As I type this @brandonwilson is working on a version of PSGroove for the TI-84 series calculator which I’d imagine a few of you may still have laying around. Musclenerd of iPhone jailbreak fame also mentioned on Twitter that a PSGroove app is possible on the iPhone but that it would take some time to develop.

Now that the general public and more important the talented developers around the world have access to run unsigned code on the PS3 things should start heating up quickly. I have an x3Jailbreak coming within the next week so hopefully there is some homebrew other than Backup Manager to test with it. If another solution comes up sooner (iPhone, PSP) I’ll post an update ASAP.

Looks like removing OtherOS didn’t do jack shit…other then piss off a bunch of people.

For those who don’t know yet, a group of hackers have managed to release an exploit for Sony’s Playstation 3 console that allows the system to run unsigned code. The exploit makes use of a hardware USB adapter that you plug into the system, kind of like a plug and play mod chip. When you boot the PS3 you press the eject button immediately after pressing the power button. This tells the PS3 to read the code from the jailbreak adapter before reading the internal boot code.

Once its all done loading you’ll come up to the XMB like normal.

For most people now this means backups of games that you own can now be saved to the internal hard drive of the PS3 and played directly from there, saving wear and tear on your Blu-Ray drive and game discs. This is a great feature that I’m sure any parent can appreciate. The thing that excites me the most though is being able to install unsigned .pkg files.

Time for the Homebrew.

These .pkg files are programs that boot from within GameOS. Most of the time they’re games but now with homebrew being wide open we can start to expect a lot more. For example, PSP Rhythm is a great little digital audio workstation for the PSP. A similar program for the PS3 would be great as I’d love to produce some tracks using the PS3′s sound chip. Another homebrew possibility could be a dedicated Hulu player or an advanced web browser that identifies itself as IE or Firefox to get around the Hulu PS3 block. This is all speculation and just scraping the tip of the iceberg but the potential here is huge with the type of power the PS3 is packing.

Very exciting indeed.

Now with all this goodness there is one big problem…you need to kiss PSN goodbye…for now at least. If you really want this but can’t give up PSN I recommend getting yourself a second PS3 that way you have one for online use and one for homebrew use. If you can’t afford another PS3 right now you need to accept that you’ll be without PSN for a while and take your current system offline immediately. Your PS3 needs to be on firmware 3.41 to work properly. I can assure you that Sony is going to do everything in its power to minimalize the effectiveness of this hack by patching it out via firmware updates and also revising the hardware in the system. There is no guarantee that you’ll be able to get a system capable of using this exploit in 6 months.

In my opinion its a no brainer. I’ll gladly give up PSN for all of the advantages the exploit provides. I rarely play multiplayer but if I get the bug I’m sure xLinkKai will be setup for PS3 soon which will more then suffice for me.

The only real question is which jailbreak device to buy. There is the original, the PS Jailbreak, which costs $130 last I checked. Pretty expensive although not really out of line. Some supposed clones have popped up over the last few days however and they’re talking much more reasonable pricing. I am currently working on acquiring one of these myself to test. Expect a full video review and demonstration on one of these tools in the near future.

In January, Rockstar Games was putting the final touch on their Playstation 3 release of Episodes from Liberty City.  While some PS3 gamers no doubt have embraced this year old pair of expansions for the good but still quite disappointing Grand Theft Auto IV, many saw Rockstar’s deal for timed exclusivity with Microsoft as a slap in the face of the very users who provided the financial security that Rockstar enjoys today.

When faced with the backlash from PS3 users over the release, due to the fact that it had been released for the Xbox 360 a year earlier, Rockstar claimed that they would be “very good” to PS3 users in 2010.

Well…here we are, it’s going to me mid-June, E3 starts next week, we’re halfway through 2010 AND PLAYSTATION USERS HAVEN’T SEEN FUCKING SHIT FROM ROCKSTAR.

Rockstar…seriously…are you fucking kidding me??  What the fuck is your idea of “being very good” to PS3 users??  You released Episodes from Liberty City.  Is that honestly supposed to fucking mean something to me??  You ported out M$’s sloppy fucking seconds to us A MOTHERFUCKING YEAR AFTER THE FACT, and that’s supposed to be cool??

Is that your idea of “being very good” to PS3 users??  Because quite honestly, you need to fucking do better than that.  Not even 600,000 of those wretched discs have sold, and it’s not because the expansions suck…I hear they’re actually quite good…it’s because Playstation users have collectively lost interest in your stupid bullshit.

Well, you think…maybe there’s something else.  Some huge chunk of awesome that Rockstar is going to drop on PS3 owners that’ll just make them all shit themselves in delight.  Surely something of this nature eludes us…surely the people at Rockstar aren’t all Human Stain Douchebags.  Hmmmm…let’s brainstorm:

Okay…Episodes from Liberty City…nah…if that’s what they meant when they said they’d be very good to PS3 users, then they all need an ass whipping.

It could be Read Dead Redemption…but wait, that’s a multiplatform title.  If that was what they meant when they said they’d be very good to PS3 users, then they’re really telling us that we’re lucky to be getting anything at all, and that would be a BIG problem for the Sony userbase, which Rockstar owes the overwhelming majority of its success to.

So no…it couldn’t be that…was there some PS3 exclusive skin or some shit for RDR??  …because last I checked, PS3 users weren’t getting any timed exclusive DLC for that, either.

Hmmmm…let’s see, there’s the whole L.A. Noire game, which Rockstar says is going to be legendary…but that USED TO BE a Playstation exclusive until Rockstar reneged on that promise as well.  So no, it can’t be that…because that would go back to the whole “Rockstar spitting in the face of the people who made them successful” thing.

Then there’s the whole AGENT game that Rockstar claims it’s developing for Playstation 3 exclusively.  It was supposed to launch THIS YEAR, but they haven’t said anything about it.  Well, you know…with E3 coming up, maybe they…

…oh wait, Rockstar pulled out of E3 and will not show any new games there…so it’s safe to say that AGENT probably won’t release this year and…let’s be honest…chances of it being a PS3 exclusive (and thereby being a game that fully optimizes all of the PS3′s power and capacity for data ala Uncharted 2) are 50-50.

…if it even comes up at all.

There were also the dark horses:  Max Payne 3 is confirmed for Multiplat release this year…perhaps they were holding onto some PS3 exclusive DLC for Max’s next gen debut.

…but then again most gamers don’t fucking give a shit about Max Payne, so no…that doesn’t work either.

Of course, there has been talk that Rockstar could reveal Grand Theft Auto 5 at E3…there’s always the possibility that could be a PS exclusive…

…wrong.  First of all, no way M$ lets that happen.  Secondly, even if M$ wasn’t able to stop such a thing from happening, that’s not “being very good” to PS3 gamers…that’s taking something away from 360 gamers that they have reason to expect to be able to have for themselves…and that’s fucking bullshit, any way you stack it up.

Sure, some PS3 users might get some kind of personal satisfaction out of that, but I absolutely wouldn’t.  Fuck that…that’s just being a cock to the 360 userbase.  That doesn’t do anything good for me personally…that doesn’t bring me some new kind of enjoyment…all that does is piss off Rockstar’s 360 userbase…and shit like that is the reason that Episodes from Liberty City has sold miserably since it became available to PS3 users.

Seriously Rockstar…are you fucking kidding me??  I wouldn’t even give a shit if you wouldn’t have come out and said that you’d do right by the PS3 userbase.  For a moment, it seemed like you knew that you’d turned your back on the people who made you a household name, and you were intent on doing right by those people.

Apparently tho, that was all just a big fucking crock of shit, posted online as a last ditch effort to reach out to people they’ve alienated, right before offering them a second run product that they should’ve been able to buy six months previous at most.

It is in light of this ridiculous fact that I proudly declare that I have NOT bought Episodes from Liberty City, and I will not pay for that particular piece(s) of software.  Again…I’ve heard they’re good, so it’s kind of a shame, but fuck that.  Some people respond favorably when they hear BOHICA, but I don’t.

So yeah, we’ve seen jack fucking shit along the lines of Rockstar “being very good” or really just plain old “good” to PS3 users in 2010, despite their claim to the contrary.  Now Rockstar has pulled out of E3 and will not have any new games there, which suggests any potential PS3 exclusive offerings are most likely not going to become available until fiscal 2011.

So really…Rockstar…Sam Houser…THIS is your fucking idea of “being very good to PS3 users??”

…well yeah fuck your mothers too, then.

So here we are. A week and 2 days after the release of what was expected to be the best video game of all time. Kratos has FINALLY made his way to “next-gen” and he does so in a big way.. both literally and figuratively. But, does the game really deliver? I’m here to say.. “No.”

Now calm down just a second. I’m not saying that the game isn’t good, it is, very good, but it’s not even close to being great. Ok, maybe it’s close, but it don’t quite reach the mark.

I’m not going to get into all the reasons why I like the game, I’m sure you’ve probably read your fair share of those, and what I can only assume is a very good one written by my counterpart (or am I his? Either way..) Glue.. check it out

I’ll admit, I was just as excited as anyone else about this game. I grabbed a copy of it, drove very quickly home, sat down and was blown away by the opening credit sequence. And then it started with the quick fight, and when the first “cutscene” started I took a huge breath as I was FINALLY playing God of War III. And that’s pretty much where my excitement ended..

I guess I kind of have a feeling that I, along with pretty much everyone else who’s played this game, was expecting this game to practically wipe our asses for us. The hype was crazy huge, and it had to be. God of War and the sequel were both incredibly great and hugely successful games. Every hack-n-slash since has tried to mimic the formula if you will, and not one has even scratched the surface of what GoW accomplished. And now God of War III is here, promising everything we know and love and then some, and to me it just feels incomplete, which I understand SCEA has admitted this much. But aside from the ending, there’s still much to be desired here.

Of course the first thing I noticed where the controls. Right away I realized that they didn’t feel like GoW. To me the two button combo thing was just irritating. If you don’t understand what I’m talking about it’s needing to hold down L2 plus a face button for some crazy new thing, and because it’s a “new thing”, you’re naturally not used to it. There were plenty of times when I had to completely relearn the controls in my head, sometimes in one play session. Now, this may have something to do with my terrible memory, but it’s not like I’m new to video games. The whole control system seemed very clunky to me to begin with. They are nowhere near as fluid and precise as the previous two games.

As far as gameplay, there were a few new things I really did like. The new spell-tied-to-the-weapon-you’re-using thing was handy enough. Instead of needing to level up two things, you’re down to one. The three gorgan eyes/phoenix feathers and now minotaur horns instead of 6? (damn it’s be a looooong time ) is an improvement, but at the same time it evens out since you’re not likely to just walk right by a chest containing these items anymore. The puzzles were certainly not on the same level as the other two games. Right now, I can’t think of one puzzle that I was honestly stuck on for more than a few minutes. With the exception of the Garden nothing really stands out in that aspect.

The combat provided plenty of “holy shit” moments (centaurs anyone?), but since the controls play such a big role here, it also felt really lacking. There was no “huge fight with a bunch of monster thingys before the last boss” scene, which was a real let down to me. I will say that the boss fights (with the exception of a BIG one) were really really well done. I think the Hades fight seems to be a big favorite right now, and to me it don’t get any better than that.

The last thing I want to touch on right quick is the blood. It may have been my tv and I know that it was supposed to be fake looking, but FFS.. make an attempt. I know I’m nitpicking here, but with so much of it you’d think they’d take the time to at least make it look good.

You may notice that I didn’t touch on graphics. To me, graphics should be an afterthought to any game. Good Graphics Do Not Make a Good Game. But, I will say that the game looks great, and you can tell they put extra overtime into Kratos himself. Which is a problem because they obviously didn’t put nearly the same amount of time into Zeus, who’s role is just as big and just as important.

Overall, is this a good game? Yes. It is absolutely not the worst game I’ve ever played, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. But it’s far from perfect. There is so much room for improvement that DLC is almost a gimme. I can only guess that DLC is going to fix the ending, in which case I would say go buy this game, but wait until then. For now, it’s a rental at best. There is just nothing here that screams $60 to me.

Good job Stig.

When Sony added Trophies to the landscape of PS3 gaming, I was initially unimpressed.  Kinda like with Home…although not as creepy.  I knew that it was pretty much a spin on the Achievements on the Xbox 360, and I didn’t really see any practical application or use for Trophies.

But then the fact that I’ve got a cock kicked in, and much like Muscle Cars are for Gearheads, PSN Trophies have pretty much become an extension of the PS3 user’s wishes for his penis.

So, PSP users…join me if you will…I drew up an online petition just for this purpose.

…okay, it wasn’t THAT much a waste of time, it took like 5 minutes.  Don’t judge me.  Instead, stand up and tell Sony that you want your eProps for throwing down on your handheld as well as your PS3.  Extend Trophy Support to PSP games.

Seriously, I don’t care if you’re someone who has to take the bus every day, someone whose PS3 went YLOD on them, or just someone who prefers to play games on a handheld…if you play the PSP, then you know you’ve spent just as much time and effort into those games as you do into PS3 games.

Sure, some games are fairly watered down, even from their previous gen console versions…*cough cough…Liberty City Stories…cough cough*…but really, PSP games have come on.  They’re bigger, tougher and best of all better.

The DS, DS lite and DSi are vital cogs in the Nintendo War Machine, and while the PSP probably has no realistic chance of “catching up” to Nintendo in the handheld market, if they want to continue to claim their handheld platform is a success, then the suits at Sony Computer Entertainment will go ahead and make the PSP as PS3/Blu Ray user friendly and compatible as possible.

Seriously, it’s kind of odd that in 2010 someone has to jump on a blog to let Sony executives know that intuitive and value added cross platform integration between the PS2, PS3, Blu Ray Devices and PSP is something they should pursue in their self professed quest to deliver the ultimate home entertainment experience…but there it is.

Seriously, Sony…you have all these devices out there in their “life cycle,” as you like to call it.  PS2, PS3, PSP, Blu Ray, Walkman, Bravia Smart TVs…let them talk to each other.  Give them cool features and allow them to share.  Be like the oriental rug that spurred The Dude forward…

…bring it all together.

That is the bane of PS3 fat owners worldwide today.  Ladies and gentlemen, I give you…the apocalypse.

Sony has released a statement just prior to 9:30am Eastern Standard Time, available on Sony’s Blog, stating that a fix is in the works and should be available for download within the next 24 hours.

In the meantime, Sony urges users of the PS3 fat to not use their consoles until an update is sent out.  Apparently there was an error in a significant amount of non PS3 Slims with the internal clock.  When the date switched to 03/01/2010 at midnight, the problems started.

Of course thousands of users have taken to Sony’s Forums to complain about the issue, only to be called trolls by the people who aren’t affected by it.  This is of course typical of the Sony userbase.  Anytime a certain number of users are affected, they complain as is their right to do so.

Then for some reason, a bunch of people who aren’t affected by the problem crash the threads and complain about people complaining.  Of course, these people are the first to complain when something affects their experience, but when other people are affected, then they just need to shut up.

Seriously, I wonder about the Sony userbase.  Why are there so many idiots?  Sure, XBL got all the 10 year old neo nazis, but honestly is having a userbase chock full of people who are just plain stupid any better?

Question to ponder.