So I’m on a “years later” review kick.  Did Killzone 2, did GTA IV…now what??  Well I picked up Assassin’s Creed shortly after this past Christmas.  ACII had come out to incredible hype and I wanted to see what it was all about, but I also wanted to get the full experience, so I bought a used copy of Assassin’s Creed, which in and of itself was a hype machine that garnered very good ratings.

I’m not sure how many lapdances Ubisoft Executive Jade Raymond had to give or how many cocks she had to suck to get all those superlative ratings for the original AC…but I’m pretty sure it was a lot, because while it has features that are simply outstanding, the overall game itself is a fucking piece of shit.

At first, AC blew me away.  The decision to make the game’s setting of Crusade-Era Jerusalem, Acre and Damascus was pure genius.  A Masterstroke.  The beauty with which the cities and outlying open lands are rendered is simply awe inspiring.  The Al-Aqsa Mosque, in particular…which of course is built over the ruins of the Temple Of Solomon…is majestic to behold.

…aaaaaaaaaaaand that’s really where most of the game’s merit ends.  Well, the concept was pretty good…but the execution is just awful.  Where to start with the nitpicking??

Well first of all, let’s stick with the locations.  The locations are beautiful and it’s pretty cool that you get to ride between them on horseback, but even that manages to get screwed up.  When passing Crusaders or Saracens, Altair must use the “blend mechanic,” which basically just has him walk or ride at a snail’s pace.  This wouldn’t be so bad if you didn’t have to do it ALL.  THE.  FUCKING.  TIME.

Also problematic is the fact that many times, even though you’re slowly shuffling along in blend mode like an 85 year old invalid, the guards still go into attack mode and come after you.  All that slow, slow, slow walking…for absolutely fucking nothing.  Seriously, this becomes arduous with a quickness.

I’m the kind of guy that doesn’t take in the scenery more than once, and with how ridiculously much the game requires you to suffer this stupid, stupid mechanic, it’s a minor miracle that I had the patience to play this game through to completion.  Honestly, if it wasn’t for the Al-Aqsa Mosque, this game would be pretty much unplayable, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Instead, let us move on to the protagonists.  Yes, that’s right…there’s two of them.  The main protagonist is Altair Ibn La-Ahad.  When we first meet Altair, he’s an overconfident, narcissistic idiot.  He goes into a stealth mission like he’s Rambo, and because he decided to act like a cockstain, he got one of his Assassin companion’s arm cut off and got that guy’s brother killed.  Among other themes the game carries is that of Altair’s journey from incurable fucknut to decent  human being…and it’s not very convincing.

Then there’s the second protagonist…Desmond Miles.  Voiced by Nolan North, who you may know from other, better games, Desmond is a bartender that’s supposed to be a descendant of Altair.  I guess that’s why he wears a grey hoodie.  Throughout the game, Desmond doesn’t do much.  He acts incredulous, he asks way too many questions, he goes to sleep, and he lays down in this Animus thingie that somehow milks Altair’s memories out of Des’s genetic coding.

The graphics…suck.  Well, the buildings and mountains and shit are all really nice, but when it comes to people, the graphics suck…and they suck HARD.  The cutscenes are rendered with the in game engine, and whatever this engine is supposed to do, it makes absolutely crappy and unrealistic facial animations better than any game engine I’ve seen.  It’s seriously laughable.  In Desmond’s cutscenes, he interacts with this prick Dr Vidic and this broad Lucy and together all three of them look like an in game render from a PS2 game…and not necessarily a good one.

Assassin’s Creed is yet another “sandbox” game where players are allegedly able to engage in free roaming…but the problem is that once you’ve seen the Al-Aqsa Mosque, there’s not really much to do.  You can climb to the top of viewpoints and jump into haystacks, but that’s about it.  There are several instances of soldiers bullying Scholars and regular civvies, and if you intervene and help them, you are duly rewarded…but they’re all the same.  ALL.  THE.  SAME.

Really there is no variation or tweaking in any of these encounters…and while I’m talking about these encounters, I’d guess now would be a good time to talk about the combat.  It’s fucking garbage.  Fucking, fucking garbage.

Throwing knives are effective from a distance, but once you’re up close and personal, there’s only one thing to do…draw your sword, hold the R1 button and wait for someone to attack you.  You’re supposed to hit the square button once you see the attack coming, and while Altair is supposed to be a highly experienced assassin, the counter only works half the time…if you’re lucky.

The square button is the only button used to attack, which means that all combat is a simple exercise in button mashing at best.  Again…fucking garbage.

The collision/hit detection is crap, too.  All too often, you’ll try to make a getaway only to be stopped by the clunkiness of the “pupeteering controls.”  Altair has got to be the clumsiest assassin in the history of hired killers.  He stumbles over things that he should easily step over, he stays put when he should climb…and if you need him to move deftly and swiftly (as one would expect an Assassin with his experience should be able to), he’ll more likely than not fail.  He cannot move through a crowd while running…merely touching someone else causes him to stop and stumble.

I could honestly write three pages detailing the faultiness of the control scheme and the fluidity with which Altair should but doesn’t move.  However, given my laundry list of gripes with this game, I’m going to keep it short and say that the controls fucking suck.  So much so that this game makes the first Silent Hill seem like God Of War.

The game is laid out simply enough…there are nine people of importance that Altair needs to assassinate, three in Jerusalem, three in Acre and three in Damascus.  To gain the green light (portrayed as a feather…how cute) with each city’s Assassin Bureau chief (yes…Ubisoft has officially introduced Bureaucracy to gaming), Altair must complete three investigations for every person he is charged with killing.  Like the vigilante encounters mentioned above…these are ALL.  THE.  SAME.

You eavesdrop on one person, pick another person’s pocket and beat the shit out of someone else.  Then you go to the Bureau chief and he gives you a feather that signifies you have his permission to carry out the Assassination.  This may or may not involve a certain amount of ridicule from the Bureau chief and if you’re lucky, a pretty lackluster attempt at witty rhetoric.  It falls pretty flat tho…and the godawful graphics during these exchanges is quite distracting.  Especially with Malek and his one arm.

This bit of plucking around is interesting, not because the investigation missions are fun…they aren’t…but because while Al Mualim, the Master Of Assassins has already told Altair to kill these people, he still has to get permission from the local bureau…despite them being underlings to Al Mualim’s will.

Anyway, that’s getting into too much detail for my tastes.  Bottom line is there are nine assassinations to carry out.  You investigate each the same way, and after three assassinations, this repetition tends to take most of the flavor out of the game.

And once you carry out the nine assassinations, you get to participate in the CHEAPEST final bossfight ever.  Yes, I said “cheap,” and it is.  The final bossfight in Assassin’s Creed…you fight eight or nine versions of Altair’s “master,” Al Mualim…this is Spoiler Alert, after all…is without question the absolute cheapest bossfight in gaming history.  EVER.

The Block And Counter attack that basically gets you through the game becomes totally useless, as you’re taking big damage even when blocking, and that’s only when the game is nice enough to grant you the ability to block successfully…which is only about 10% of the fight.

Despite all of these faults, the aspect of this game that I find the least forgiveable is the fact that for a game that is supposed to be about an assassin, the missions are completely linear in their format.  There is only one way to kill most of the assassination targets, and most of the time that involves walking in through the front door, standing in front of a mob of people and then engaging in a very public fight with numerous guards, soldiers and flunkies of the like before being able to turn your blade on your target.

Seriously…this is a game that bears the name “Assassin’s Creed,” yet employs almost no stealth gameplay whatsoever and does not allow you to sneak into a designated kill area unseen through the back.  You must complete the proper assassinations in the exact way that the developers want you to, and that usually entails doing the exact opposite of what a skilled and experienced assassin would do.  I can’t say it enough…this game is named “Assassin’s Creed,” but has no aspect of stealth at all.  The very notion is deplorable.

This game is not a buy…unfortunately for me…but it’s not a rent, either.  If you are interested in ACII but want to play through the first one…don’t.  Read the plot on Wikipedia and watch the cutscenes on Youtube.  Those parts are really cool, but trust me when I say that you do not want to pay American dollars to either rent or purchase this piece of shit game…honestly, it’s not even worth the time you invest in playing it…just read the wiki, watch the youtube and thank me later.

Assassin’s Creed gets an 8 out of 10…and 3 of those points are for presence of the Al-Aqsa Mosque alone.  As I said in the beginning of this piece, this game’s almost unplayable.  A fantastic concept, pretty decent story and beautifully rendered setpieces are absolutely RUINED by the game’s horribly implemented combat, generally crappy control scheme, horrible character graphics, suckass hit/collision detection and the baby seal clubbing repetition of the missions.

This is a game that damn well should be hard on inducing good, but for the overwhelming majority of the time, it’s either average or crap.  Shit on Assassin’s Creed.

MEMO TO UBISOFT:  I’ll be checking out ACII and posting my impressions shortly.  If you want to have that filthy whore Jade come out and “discuss” my next review, please send me a PM on the forums.  You’ll find that if the right buttons are pushed, I’m quite amenable to coercion.