Okay so over the past couple of days there’s been this brouhaha about this Ocean Marketing and one of their customer service reps getting lippy with people about their penile enhanc–ERRRR, controller attachments.  The general response is “Screw that guy!!  He can’t get snarky with paying customers!!  They’re like…always right!!”

You can read the entire exchange of emails as they escalated on this website here.

…aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand then Baby Jesus cried, pulled out his billy club and went looking for the first flock of baby seals he could find.

First of all, I want to say that I saw the ads for the “Avenger Control” (which will heretofore be referred to as “n00b crutches”) when they came out and anyone who thought either A)  This was anything other than a cheap clip on and/or B) This would in any way actually “improve” their in game performance, probably needs to be hit over the head with a tackhammer for being a retard.  This Avenger thing-a-mabob looks to be the most useless piece of shit since Kevin Pereira.  If you have to attach all that crap to your controller to be “good” at CoD, then you should probably find a different game.

Secondly, and this goes to the site that posted the email exchanges, I particularly like the part where this “Gabe” guy from penny-arcade.com mentions how he’s removed email addresses and “other personal information,” like he’s some kind of champion of personal privacy…and then he goes right ahead and gives the offending customer service representative’s full first and last name.

Of course, since this story “broke”, cranky CSR Paul’s picture and personal history have since been stalked down and mass published by various internet gaming publications.  The “Ocean Marketing” company Paul worked for is no longer representing the sweatshop that makes the $50 clip on that it takes $0.15 to produce, and you can only assume that Paul’s out of a job.  Yeah…”Gabe”…great job “removing” all that “personal information.”  If anything, Gabe comes off as a bigger douche than Paul does.

After all, Paul’s just a bitter CSR who probably made less than $30,000 per year dealing with ridiculous bullshit from thousands of whiney bitches just like “Dave” over and over and over and over again.  Yeah, sure…go ahead and pull the “Should’ve gone to college and gotten a better job” shit if you want to, but SOMEONE has to answer all those bitchy emails, just like SOMEONE has to flip those burgers, and SOMEONE needs to make sure there’s no damn pickles on my Whopper Jr., and as long as it’s a PERSON doing those things, they’ll have opinions (usually pointed) about the smarmy and often willfully ignorant people who refer to themselves as “customers.”

If you have one of these, you suck at shooters, and probably also fail at life.

Now I’m going to preface this by saying that I’ve worked in both retail and customer service, and as anyone who has worked in either or both of those fields knows…there’s a lot of people out there who need to be told to put their alleged “Big boy hats” on and just shut the fuck up.  Sorry…I know a lot of people out there still love to cling to this antiquated notion that “The Customer Is Always Right,” but yeah…that’s a load of bullshit and y’all need to get the fuck over yourselves.

Don’t think I’m missing the point, tho.  Certainly a line was crossed that shouldn’t have been.  You don’t talk to your customers as if they’re annoying little bitches…even if they do in fact, happen to be annoying little bitches.  The emails should’ve said “The n00b crutches shipped late from China and were further delayed in customs.  Sorry but there’s nothing I can do to get them to you faster.”  Maybe a discount should’ve been offered…”Dave” certainly asked for one, albeit in a very roundabout and snarky way, but given the situation, throwing the kid a sawdog couldn’t have hurt.

My problem here is with Dave and Gabe.  When “Dave” became aware that he wasn’t getting his stuff when he needed or wanted it, he should’ve pulled his order.  Late shipping from China and delays through customs aren’t anything that any CSR is going to be able to fix.  Those problems are referred to as “Logistical Nightmares” and if you or any of your friends find yourselves in one, the best solution is to find your way out of it ASAP.  Sending snarky emails suggesting that you’re going to cancel and then reorder only to take advantage of a recent discount offer still won’t solve the problem that your gear shipped late from China and was being delayed through customs…so simply pulling the order and going to your local Gamestop would be the Intelligent Man’s Choice.

No, Dave clearly chose the Unintelligent Man’s Choice by goading Paul into a defensive position.  Paul then made the More Unintelligent Man’s Choice by taking Dave’s bait and suggesting that he grow up.  Dave then went Internet Tough Guy on Paul, sent him the dreaded wall of text, while simultaneously going Punkass Bitch by forwarding the emails to “Gabe” at penny-arcade.com.  Gabe then went and exposed the cranky CSR’s identity to the internet and now his name, picture and personal history are posted and available for viewing on several gaming sites.

Yeah…stay classy, Gabe.  Maybe you could find out where his mom works so we can email her and piss her off, too.  Does she have a dog??  Can we kick it??  How about kids??  Does he have kids??  Can we get to them at school…you know, like Anonymous wanted to do with Howard Stringer and Jack Tretton?

Douche.

Look, there’s only two types of reactions, here.  Those from people who HAVEN’T ever worked in retail and/or customer service industries, and those from people who HAVE.

The people who HAVEN’T probably recoiled in horror at Paul’s “big boy hat” blast, aghast at the notion that some nametag with a headset wouldn’t joyfully respond to people asking the same question for the fifth or fiftieth time, and went to bed butthurt so hard that their grandkids won’t be able to sit properly until puberty sets in.

Those people who HAVE probably stood and clapped at Paul’s “big boy hat” blast, wishing that it’d been a bit more pointed…maybe using “big boy undies” instead, to clarify to this jackhole “Dave” just how childish and stupid he was being…maybe including some brute repetition like:  SHIPPED LATE FROM CHINA.  STUCK IN CUSTOMS.  STUCK IN CUSTOMS.  STUCK IN CUSTOMS.  HELLO?  McFLY??  ANYBODY HOME??  DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH??

But the bottom line is that the world is full of idiots and douchebags…and just because a few people show you one douchebag in action DOESN’T mean that you should ignore the douchebags who are stupid enough to pay $100 for n00b crutches…ONLINE…sight unseen…WITHOUT a firm date of receivership.

Nor should you ignore the douchebags who say things like “I’m going to remove email addresses and personal information…by the way, the person you want to hate on is named ‘Paul Christodolfocandalario.’”

Yes, it DOES make you a douchebag when you post someone else’s personal info.  That’s why noone mentions usernames when complaining about lagging on public forums…BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE BEING A DOUCHEBAG, JUST LIKE GABE OVER AT penny-arcade.com is.