PSGroove, the free open source PSJailbreak alternative, is now available. Days before the offical PSJailbreak has been shipped to the distributors.

This is based off of a dump of an offical PS Jailbreak sample with a couple modifications made. The major modification to the PSJailbreak code was the removal of Blu-Ray emulation which effectively kills Backup Manager, the other modification however is a nice upgrade that allows you to disconnect the USB key from the PS3 after its done booting. You can also edit the code to enable BR emulation however I will not get into that here. Google is your friend.

The work was done by well known hacker/developer Mathieulh and the team of anonymous devs he collaborates with. He had mentioned on Twitter a few days ago that he had successfully cloned the PSJailbreak and that a release would be coming within the next week. It requires the use of a Teensy++ or Atmel AT90USBKEY. These are development boards that most people are not going to use for anything outside of this but they are cheap so its not a big loss and its not a bad piece of hardware to have laying around either. Never know when one will come in handy.

For most end users however I’d recommend holding off. As I type this @brandonwilson is working on a version of PSGroove for the TI-84 series calculator which I’d imagine a few of you may still have laying around. Musclenerd of iPhone jailbreak fame also mentioned on Twitter that a PSGroove app is possible on the iPhone but that it would take some time to develop.

Now that the general public and more important the talented developers around the world have access to run unsigned code on the PS3 things should start heating up quickly. I have an x3Jailbreak coming within the next week so hopefully there is some homebrew other than Backup Manager to test with it. If another solution comes up sooner (iPhone, PSP) I’ll post an update ASAP.

Looks like removing OtherOS didn’t do jack shit…other then piss off a bunch of people.

For those who don’t know yet, a group of hackers have managed to release an exploit for Sony’s Playstation 3 console that allows the system to run unsigned code. The exploit makes use of a hardware USB adapter that you plug into the system, kind of like a plug and play mod chip. When you boot the PS3 you press the eject button immediately after pressing the power button. This tells the PS3 to read the code from the jailbreak adapter before reading the internal boot code.

Once its all done loading you’ll come up to the XMB like normal.

For most people now this means backups of games that you own can now be saved to the internal hard drive of the PS3 and played directly from there, saving wear and tear on your Blu-Ray drive and game discs. This is a great feature that I’m sure any parent can appreciate. The thing that excites me the most though is being able to install unsigned .pkg files.

Time for the Homebrew.

These .pkg files are programs that boot from within GameOS. Most of the time they’re games but now with homebrew being wide open we can start to expect a lot more. For example, PSP Rhythm is a great little digital audio workstation for the PSP. A similar program for the PS3 would be great as I’d love to produce some tracks using the PS3’s sound chip. Another homebrew possibility could be a dedicated Hulu player or an advanced web browser that identifies itself as IE or Firefox to get around the Hulu PS3 block. This is all speculation and just scraping the tip of the iceberg but the potential here is huge with the type of power the PS3 is packing.

Very exciting indeed.

Now with all this goodness there is one big problem…you need to kiss PSN goodbye…for now at least. If you really want this but can’t give up PSN I recommend getting yourself a second PS3 that way you have one for online use and one for homebrew use. If you can’t afford another PS3 right now you need to accept that you’ll be without PSN for a while and take your current system offline immediately. Your PS3 needs to be on firmware 3.41 to work properly. I can assure you that Sony is going to do everything in its power to minimalize the effectiveness of this hack by patching it out via firmware updates and also revising the hardware in the system. There is no guarantee that you’ll be able to get a system capable of using this exploit in 6 months.

In my opinion its a no brainer. I’ll gladly give up PSN for all of the advantages the exploit provides. I rarely play multiplayer but if I get the bug I’m sure xLinkKai will be setup for PS3 soon which will more then suffice for me.

The only real question is which jailbreak device to buy. There is the original, the PS Jailbreak, which costs $130 last I checked. Pretty expensive although not really out of line. Some supposed clones have popped up over the last few days however and they’re talking much more reasonable pricing. I am currently working on acquiring one of these myself to test. Expect a full video review and demonstration on one of these tools in the near future.

Then, even at E3, details concerning PS+ were sparse…pricing was revealed, but nothing was mentioned that would really drive up the value of the PS+ service to the point where the average PS3/PSP user would feel compelled to purchase it.  Bee Tee Dub…one year is $49.99 and three months is $17.99…but if you buy a one year subscription relatively soon, Sony will throw in three free months.

Anywho, the other day every internet connected PS3 was forced to download Firmware update 3.40 which added PS+ to the PS Store and a few other things…video editing and uploading not the least of them, but I digress…

Finally we have details on what a PS+ subscription will get you: A Full Game Trial of inFAMOUS…not really, you get an hour of gametime and if you choose to d/l the rest of the game your stats will carry over, so it’s really like an extended demo…WipeOutHD, Age Of Zombies, Rally Cross, a few avatars, some free Fat Princess and Warhawk DLC and reduced prices on old school games like Mortal Kombat II and the like, as well as free access to episodes of PULSE, QORE and The Tester.

This is all well and good, but please understand when I say, “Sony…you’ve never had to overreach your grasp for my dollars in the past, but there’s no way in FUCK that I’m forking over any of my shale for PS+ as it is.”

Seriously, I know Sony likes to release things a year or two earlier than they should to “Ramp Up” sales, like they did with…the PS3 game library, PS Home, SOCOM: Confrontation, et al…but seriously, Sony needs to start having their shit together when they do a major drop like this.

This is good content, don’t get me wrong, and I’m sure by now there are tens of thousands of hardcore Sony fanboys who’ve already put the year’s subscription on their Stepmother’s credit card, but I need more if I’m going to be paying for it.

I need more demos or free full game trials, I need more (and better) exclusive video content, discounts with Netflix, Steam and/or Hulu would be nice…I just need more content.  I’m not a hardcore guy.  Sure, I game at least one to two hours most nights of the week, but I’m not the 5 to 8 hour a day guy.

Sony needs to realize that their core demographic (male aged 18-35) has more responsible adults than kids.  We don’t give a fuck about PULSE or QORE, we don’t need to play Abe’s Oddworld or Final Fantasy VII on our PS3, and for fuck’s sake feel free to go ahead and not bother offering free DLC to obsolete games that noone plays anymore.

*cough cough*Warhawk Fallen Star Expansion Pack*cough cough*

And not for nothing, but the little bit about how any games, vids or themes you get as part of PS+ would only be playable/usable while your subscription is valid…well, that’s just bullshit and honestly it’s actually a damn good reason for NOT buying PS+.

EXAMPLE:  The Warhawk Fallen Star Expansion is priced right now at $1.99 on the Playstation Store…meaning I could pay $1.99 for it now and have it forever…OR, I could pay $49.99 for PS+…and get the Warhawk Fallen Star Expansion for the next year…but I’ll have to renew my subscription if I want to keep it past that.  That part of it just doesn’t seem to make much sense at all.

Again…Sony needs to start thinking these things through and making sure that when they drop consoles, games, or services that they have the proper support (be it software, hardware or simply features of value) in place to make the product valuable to EVERYONE on the Playstation Network, not just the hardcore guys who game all day and will never touch a Wii or a 360 or a naked woman.

The good thing about PS+ is that it is almost certain to triple its dearth of available content within the next six months.  More options with their new video editor, cross game chat, premium themes and minis are all things that can be included going forward as well as many other services that Sony certainly has coming down the pike.

When the day comes that PS+ offers enough value to justify its purchase, I’m almost certain to get it.  But this is not that day, and I don’t forsee that day coming for a long time.  Good news for me is that I don’t usually use the online capabilities of my PS3 for anything other than gaming online, so this isn’t really any kind of downer for me or anything.

…I just wish it was something I could be excited about.

Killzone 3 – Looks as badass as ever, if not moreso. The Arctic/Oceanic environments look intense and the jetpack action looks fucking sweet…especially right after you ice a Hig in one. The WASP looks absolutely overpowered, shooting 9 missles at one target…I can’t wait to unleash THAT bitch online, either. With Arctic and Jungle environments, Killzone 3 looks to stuff its cock into the mouths of the whiney little fags who complained about Killzone 2’s color palette…lmao.

Seriously…when people are whining about the fucking color palette of a First Person Shooter named “KILLZONE”, you know they’re fucking gay.  KZ3 looks to shut those stupid hos up with a robust presentation of the visible color spectrum…just for you whiney fags who didn’t get enough fucking sunbeams and rainbows in the last one. First day buy…potential GotY.

Metal Gear Solid Rising – this game is going to cause some debate.  MGS fans are going to HATE the game’s apparent lack of stealth, and then there’s the fact that the game appears to center around Raiden.  Now, if you’ve played MGS4, then you know Raiden as a sword slingin, gravity defying, cyborg ninja badass extraordinaire who can cut bitches in half WHETHER OR NOT HE HAS ANY FUCKING ARMS…

…but if you’ve played MGS2, then you know Raiden is also a whiney little bitch with emotional baggage akin to that of Lindsey Lohan.

We’re all hoping that MGS2 Raiden is gone and never coming back.  And please God, do NOT include Rosemary or any fucking references to Raiden’s empty fucking bedroom.  Do Not…please…I’m begging you…just don’t.  Thank you very much.

Haterade for Raiden aside, MGSR is going to be walking a tightrope.  First of all, MGS has always been a stealth game, and while this game is sure to incorporate “some” sneaking, it’s clearly NOT a stealth game.  Secondly…Hack N Slash isn’t quite Konami or Kojima Productions’ bag, so we are treading virgin waters here.

Also…I’ve got all the Hack N Slash I need with God Of War III.  That along with the fact that Raiden is largely viewed as a second tier character in the MGS canon (and a fairly reviled one at that), this game is going to have to be damn near perfect to have relevance appropriate to the genre and the MGS franchise itself.

I’m not doubting that Kojima’s team can make it work…but I’m not quite drinking the Kool-Aid yet, either.

Little Big Planet 2 – Single player looks to get actual cutscenes as well as many different variables with regard to levels and modes of transport.  Likewise, Play Create Share gets the same bonuses, ensuring that users will be creating racers, shooters, and even horizontal scrolling shooters that hearken back to games like Space Invaders.

Oh and all the content out there for Little Big Planet works on LBP2, as well.  LBP and LBP2 will be Move compatible, so that should make the creation aspect of the game/working the Popit much smoother.  Not quite an urgent buy for me, but it’ll take some kind of catastrophe to prevent me from buying it eventually.

MotorStorm Apocalypse – I’m hoping that this game is more like the original and less like Pacific Rift.  Despite Monument Valley being an absolutely fucking EPIC setting for the original, the varied environments and Tropical Island theme of Pacific Rift were a nice change of pace.  Inclusion of split screen multiplayer was also quite the welcome addition.

Unfortunately, the game screwed up on two things that made the original so fucking awesome.  Bullet time, high detail, HD crash sequences and intuitive track design.  The crashes in PR looked like garbage in comparison, there wasn’t any of the flash involved in it and I found myself lost on tracks several times because of how obtuse their design was.  Got high hopes for this one…but again I’m not pre ordering yet.

inFAMOUS 2 – Never played through the first…didn’t really fall in love with the demo…I may or may not rent it before this drops, but this game will not in any way be a priority for me.  Of course, I’m on record with my opinion that the whole Sandbox Open World thing has been tired and beaten down for a few years now…perhaps inFAMOUS or inFAMOUS 2 is/will be the Tetanus Shot that the genre needs…

…fucking Christ knows that GTA IV wasn’t.

Crysis 2 – Ummmm…FAIL??  Seriously…I d/l’d the trailer on PSN expecting to see the most amazing graphics since Uncharted 2.  What I got was a game that looks like a cross between Gears Of War 3 and Battlefield Bad Company 2.  Don’t get me wrong, those games look great, but for all the shit I’ve heard talked about the CRYTEK engine – I was left wanting more.

The game itself looks badass as hell…but the problem lies in the fact that so does Killzone, Bulletstorm, Spec Ops The Line, SOCOM, Gears and Halo.  As a family man on a budget during a Global Recession, Crysis 2 is looking like something I’m going to have to pass on.

Sorcery – So SCEA revealed Sorcery…a game developed exclusively for the Playstation Move…and yeah – this thing totally looks like a gimmick game.  It drew hoots and hollers from the Shrine Audience but frankly the graphics didn’t look great, the animations themselves were far too cartoony for this Tolkien fanboy’s tastes and the game itself looked like a Harry Potter rip off.

In the end, this game may turn out to be the coolest thing since sliced bread, but from what I saw at E3 it looks like Shovelware.  Oh and the use of the words “Fairy World” was cringe inducing.  Please fix that…thanks.

The Sly Collection – Fanboys rejoice to celebrate Sucker Punch’s previous generation darling platformer upscaled and remastered in HD for the PS3…but honestly I’d have rather seen the ICO Collection.

The ICO Collection – wasn’t there.  Baby Jesus wants to cry.

The Last Guardian – WASN’T.  FUCKING.  THERE.  WHAT.  THE.  FUCK?  Yeah, yeah…I heard…Tokyo Game Show for The Last Guardian.  Look…the only acceptable reason why The Last Guardian wasn’t at E3 would be because Fumito Ueda and his team are too busy helping Bluepoint port Ico and Shadow Of The Colossus over to PS3 for The ICO Collection.

Everything else is just useless jibber jabber.  Sony REALLY dropped the ball by not even having a trailer of The Last Guardian at E3.

SOCOM 4 - Uhhh…SOCOM 4’s only mention was as part of a list of games that will be Move compatible upon launch.  Yeah…uhh…I found that out a while back at GDC.  No new trailer?  No news on single player, co-op, leaning, UCRRs, tiebreakers and clan ladders?  How about the game…will it actually work??

Will there be single player??  Will SOCOM go for that blockbuster Hollywood bullshit that MW and BFBC have been churning out, or will Zipper keep it Hardcore and come with the low key yet ultra realistic Black Ops nature of the first two games?

Yeah…given how integral SOCOM has been and continues to be for the Sony Playstation brand, despite how badly fucking botched SOCOM: Confrontation was, I would’ve liked a little bit more than “SOCOM 4 will be Move compatible.”  Something along the lines of: “SOCOM will be fucking awesome again, we promise” would’ve been nice.

And I’m out of time again…more to come tomorrow or Friday about the two suprises at the end of Sony’s conference and any of the other shit that’s popped up since then.  Chuuuuch.

So jumping in, it seems like Sony’s going balls out with this whole 3D thing.  Being someone who is old enough to have lived through the 3D craze of the 80s, I’m skeptical.  Not just for games, but for movies and really anything other than Real Life.

I don’t like the fact that I have to wear a second pair of glasses, I don’t like the fact that I need a $3000.00 TV to experience it, I don’t like the thought that I could potentially spend $3000.00 for the TV and God knows how much for the glasses…only for the technology and investment to get flushed down the crapper like it was back in the 80s and the 50s before that.

I understand that as a company dealing in today’s technology, the real money is where it’s always been…bold innovation.  The problem is that I just don’t see 3D technology delivering enough value to the movie/gaming experience to justify its consumer expense…especially in a Global recession.

That’s not to say that I don’t want it to pay off in spades…because I do.  I’ve seen 3D done right and it’s awesome.  Combining proper 3D tech with top notch games in HD has the potential to be revolutionary, if it catches on.  It’s a risky proposition, but Sony pretty much bludgeoned it’s way to success thusfar with PS3…if there’s any company that’s got the stamina and endurance to bring this technology to gaming over the long haul, Sony’s proven itself as that company.

Speaking of innovation, Sony also gave a lot of exposure to the PS Move.  Of course, Move is Sony’s latest foray into Motion Controlled gaming, a genre it pioneered back in 2003 when it released the Eye Toy for Playstation 2.  The Eye Toy of course is what prompted Nintendo to combine motion capture technology with less responsive controls and only slightly better graphics…a brainstorm that you may know as the Wii.

Reggie can suck my ass, by the way.  Horsefaced cock goblin.

Anyways, Move has a lot of potential.  If Move and 3D pan out as Sony hopes they do, it could create the most immersive experience in gaming.  Of course, the planets will certainly have to align for that to happen,  and even if they do…we’re probably still a year or three away from a time when all the hardware needed to make the most of that experience is affordable to regular Joes like you and I.

…but like 3D, I’m skeptical.  Actually…I’m not a fan of motion control gaming at all.  I don’t like the Wii, I’m not planning on buying Move and I DAMN SURE won’t be taking Microsoft’s Kinect out for a test drive.  Honestly…I tried Boxing and The Force Unleased on the Wii…fuck that.

I don’t want to get out of a lightsaber battle with Darth Vader and have to get a splint applied to my elbow.  If I’m playing UFC as Mirko Cro Cop and I want to bring The Cemetary, I don’t want to have to deal with a pulled groin.  These are console games…I’m a fat guy.  I’ve got my treadmill, dumbells and heavy bag for exercise, and guys I’m working on that whole getting in shape thing.

…I come to my console to relax.  Fuck your motion control bullshit…all of you.  ESPECIALLY that horse faced cockmaster Reggie.  Fuck him AND Nintendo up the ass.  Best wishes to Sony and Microsoft in their endeavors…I just won’t be taking part.

Goddamn, weren’t those two fucking elephants??  One of the things I’m not too thrilled about this year is that so much time was devoted to motion control by both Sony and Microsoft.  I know it’s a huge investment they’ve both made and they’ve got to take a run at the Casuals, but it took away from other, more noteworthy projects.

There’s a lot more to get to from Sony’s jampacked event, but it’s late and I really need to fall out for the night.  So I’ll come back tomorrow and talk about what’s important:  The games.  Until then, please enjoy Kevin Butler as he took the E3 stage to deal out awesomeness and inspiration.

When faced with the backlash from PS3 users over the release, due to the fact that it had been released for the Xbox 360 a year earlier, Rockstar claimed that they would be “very good” to PS3 users in 2010.

Well…here we are, it’s going to me mid-June, E3 starts next week, we’re halfway through 2010 AND PLAYSTATION USERS HAVEN’T SEEN FUCKING SHIT FROM ROCKSTAR.

Rockstar…seriously…are you fucking kidding me??  What the fuck is your idea of “being very good” to PS3 users??  You released Episodes from Liberty City.  Is that honestly supposed to fucking mean something to me??  You ported out M$’s sloppy fucking seconds to us A MOTHERFUCKING YEAR AFTER THE FACT, and that’s supposed to be cool??

Is that your idea of “being very good” to PS3 users??  Because quite honestly, you need to fucking do better than that.  Not even 600,000 of those wretched discs have sold, and it’s not because the expansions suck…I hear they’re actually quite good…it’s because Playstation users have collectively lost interest in your stupid bullshit.

Well, you think…maybe there’s something else.  Some huge chunk of awesome that Rockstar is going to drop on PS3 owners that’ll just make them all shit themselves in delight.  Surely something of this nature eludes us…surely the people at Rockstar aren’t all Human Stain Douchebags.  Hmmmm…let’s brainstorm:

Okay…Episodes from Liberty City…nah…if that’s what they meant when they said they’d be very good to PS3 users, then they all need an ass whipping.

It could be Read Dead Redemption…but wait, that’s a multiplatform title.  If that was what they meant when they said they’d be very good to PS3 users, then they’re really telling us that we’re lucky to be getting anything at all, and that would be a BIG problem for the Sony userbase, which Rockstar owes the overwhelming majority of its success to.

So no…it couldn’t be that…was there some PS3 exclusive skin or some shit for RDR??  …because last I checked, PS3 users weren’t getting any timed exclusive DLC for that, either.

Hmmmm…let’s see, there’s the whole L.A. Noire game, which Rockstar says is going to be legendary…but that USED TO BE a Playstation exclusive until Rockstar reneged on that promise as well.  So no, it can’t be that…because that would go back to the whole “Rockstar spitting in the face of the people who made them successful” thing.

Then there’s the whole AGENT game that Rockstar claims it’s developing for Playstation 3 exclusively.  It was supposed to launch THIS YEAR, but they haven’t said anything about it.  Well, you know…with E3 coming up, maybe they…

…oh wait, Rockstar pulled out of E3 and will not show any new games there…so it’s safe to say that AGENT probably won’t release this year and…let’s be honest…chances of it being a PS3 exclusive (and thereby being a game that fully optimizes all of the PS3’s power and capacity for data ala Uncharted 2) are 50-50.

…if it even comes up at all.

There were also the dark horses:  Max Payne 3 is confirmed for Multiplat release this year…perhaps they were holding onto some PS3 exclusive DLC for Max’s next gen debut.

…but then again most gamers don’t fucking give a shit about Max Payne, so no…that doesn’t work either.

Of course, there has been talk that Rockstar could reveal Grand Theft Auto 5 at E3…there’s always the possibility that could be a PS exclusive…

…wrong.  First of all, no way M$ lets that happen.  Secondly, even if M$ wasn’t able to stop such a thing from happening, that’s not “being very good” to PS3 gamers…that’s taking something away from 360 gamers that they have reason to expect to be able to have for themselves…and that’s fucking bullshit, any way you stack it up.

Sure, some PS3 users might get some kind of personal satisfaction out of that, but I absolutely wouldn’t.  Fuck that…that’s just being a cock to the 360 userbase.  That doesn’t do anything good for me personally…that doesn’t bring me some new kind of enjoyment…all that does is piss off Rockstar’s 360 userbase…and shit like that is the reason that Episodes from Liberty City has sold miserably since it became available to PS3 users.

Seriously Rockstar…are you fucking kidding me??  I wouldn’t even give a shit if you wouldn’t have come out and said that you’d do right by the PS3 userbase.  For a moment, it seemed like you knew that you’d turned your back on the people who made you a household name, and you were intent on doing right by those people.

Apparently tho, that was all just a big fucking crock of shit, posted online as a last ditch effort to reach out to people they’ve alienated, right before offering them a second run product that they should’ve been able to buy six months previous at most.

It is in light of this ridiculous fact that I proudly declare that I have NOT bought Episodes from Liberty City, and I will not pay for that particular piece(s) of software.  Again…I’ve heard they’re good, so it’s kind of a shame, but fuck that.  Some people respond favorably when they hear BOHICA, but I don’t.

So yeah, we’ve seen jack fucking shit along the lines of Rockstar “being very good” or really just plain old “good” to PS3 users in 2010, despite their claim to the contrary.  Now Rockstar has pulled out of E3 and will not have any new games there, which suggests any potential PS3 exclusive offerings are most likely not going to become available until fiscal 2011.

So really…Rockstar…Sam Houser…THIS is your fucking idea of “being very good to PS3 users??”

…well yeah fuck your mothers too, then.

Clearly, this gutterball did his homework.  The Sony PS3 User demographic is dominated by 18 to 34 year old geeks and fat guys.  Oddly enough, that also happens to be the target demographic of the porn industry.

Some might call that coincidence…but I think it’s fate.  Surely this would be the most natural pairing since Peanut Butter and Jelly…and everyone involved would stand to make a boatload of cash.

Vivid gets a whole new outlet to reach their audience, Playstation Network would see higher traffic and more paid transactions, and lonely gamers everywhere would be able to jerk off while watching Jenna Jameson get pummeled by 18 inches of angry cock in 1080p.

Let’s not forget that Sony’s also going to be bringing 3D capability to the PS3…and fake titties bouncing in 3D on a 60 inch LCD is probably something that the Playstation community would jump at like they were Michael Jordan.

Literally, everybody involved in that equation wins.

CVG is reporting that Sony, however decided against engaging in any business venture of the sort, in a move that was both obvious and unfortunate.  Yes, I know…there’s a joke there…but I’m actually…well…I’m halfway serious about this.

Sony’s been playing catch up since before the PS3 launched, having lost a year to Nintendo and Microsoft in the next gen console game.  Now, Sony’s been on a roll this past 2 years and while it’s clear that SCEA and the Playstation brand are doing quite well for themselves, there’s always room for more revenue streams.

Think about all those guys playing Modern Warfare 2 who have Prestiged four or more times.  Think about the zit ridden teenagers who have earned more than four Platinum Trophies.  Think about the kids on the PS forums who registered in 2006 and have a post count over 10,000.  Exactly how many of those Aqua Velvas do you think actually knows the scent of a woman?

I say and I say it again my PSN brothers, you’ve been had.  You’ve been HAD.  You’ve been run amok.  Led astray.  Hoodwinked.  Baaaaaaaamboozled.  You could’ve had it all, but it was taken from you by the…wait…sorry.  Got carried away.

Bottom line, in a Global recession, new revenue streams are essential for businesses to continue to grow.  Streaming porn through PSN could potentially be a new revenue ocean for Sony.  Yeah, sure…you add that extra level of sleaziness to your online offerings and it probably wouldn’t look good if, say Oprah or Ariana Huffington were to use their media clout to demonize Sony for such a move…

…but honestly…most gamers don’t give a flying mother fuck about either of those stuck up broads, or their ridiculous Book Of The Month clubs…so I don’t really see how that’s a problem, either.

All rhetoric aside, Sony has a lot of irons in the fire and the Playstation brand is only one of them, so it’s plainly obvious that allowing Vivid to stream vids of that hot ass to mouth action on PSN wasn’t going to happen.  Sure…there’s a lot of money on the table there, but Sony clearly did not want to carry the stigma of being a porn distributor.

Rumor has it that Vivid owner Steven Hirsch will now pitch their product to Microsoft executives for distribution via Xbox Live.  XBL carries pretty much the same demographic that PSN does, so it’s still a brilliant idea…but as Armando Galarraga could tell you, sometimes your best pitches just come up a little short.

Overzealous PS3 fanboys heralded it as the second coming of Jesus H. Christ.  It wasn’t.  Insecure 360 fanboys said the game would be recycled garbage.  It wasn’t.  Call Of Duty fanboys swore up and down that the controls were broken.  They weren’t.  Wii fanboys exercised their right to remain silent, because they and the Wii sucks ass.

Honestly, as I’ve said before, the game is just plain fucking awesome.  Like every other game out there, it’s complete awesomeness fell somewhat short of perfection, and with the impending release of Killzone 3, PS3 gamers are coming out of the woodwork with their suggestions for improvement.

Now…certainly Co-op and splitscreen MP are two things that were missing from Killzone 2 and should absolutely be included in Killzone 3, but if you read the Killzone forums, the Playstation forums and even a few articles on IGN, you’ll find people asking for things that they call “improvements” that would really only serve to bring the quality of the game down.

The prime example of this would be the weighty controls.  Killzone 2 didn’t allow for unlimited sprinting, the weapons all had a very real sense of heft and recoil to them and melee attacks typically required two hits to be lethal.  Not to single anyone out, but CoD fanboy hates this.

For those who aren’t aware, CoD is an arcade shooter.  There’s almost no degree of combat realism to the gameplay:  a simple slice of a knife that would more likely than not cause only a flesh wound is a one hit kill, all of the weapons have the heft of a squirt gun, the rate of fire is incredibly jacked up, the recoil is incredibly subdued and with perks like Marathon, Slight Of Hand and Lightweight, things like running, reloading and snap aiming can all be done with the speed of someone on a meth binge.

One of the reasons that Killzone 2 is the heighth of badassery is the feel of the combat, which is best described as frenetic.  Not “frenetic” like running through teems of enemies who respawn infinitely, not “frenetic” like run here, do this, run there, do that, sprint there and ZOMG!!!  ZOMBIES!!!!!

No…not at all.  The game is frenetic in that the combat just continues and continues.  There’s no infinite respawning of enemies but the waves of enemies continue to come at you, they come at you from directions you don’t expect and the AI doesn’t repeat itself, rather it reacts to the situations that confront it.  Killzone 2 is a game where the player slogs through teems of enemies who utilize cover, flank you and find new and exciting angles from which to shoot you…and that’s what makes Killzone 2’s freneticism more realistic.

Now…there’s also the issue of Gun Turrets and Aerial Sentries.  If you look over the PS forums, you’re bound to find people crying about them.  DON’T YOU LISTEN!!  Seriously, turrets and bots are absolutely perfect.  They’re NOT overpowered and it doesn’t take an Act Of God to destroy them.  Compared to the Sentry Guns and Air Support Killstreaks in MW2, they’re fucking nothing.

Seriously, getting the Turret Ribbon (8 matches with at least 5 turret kills) and Aerial Sentry Ribbon (8 matches with at least 5 airbot kills) were two of the more challenging things to do in the freaking game.  In MW2, Sentry Guns are fucking GATLING GUNS that cut people down in two seconds and Harriers, AC 130s and Chopper Gunners will typically net AT LEAST five kills when called in.

So please…don’t listen to the whiners who complain that turrets and bots are overpowered and too hard to destroy.  Those bitches just fucking suck at Killzone 2 online…probably at life, too.  Fuck that.  The turrets and airbots are just about perfect the way they are, and anyone who thinks differently just needs to get fucking good.

Also a subject of woe for some was “the story” behind Killzone 2.  I never really understood that.  Certainly, there wasn’t much “story” in the first place, but the game is a chronicle of a Special Forces Sergeant taking part in an interplanetary invasion.  Guerrilla chose to forego melodramatics, plot twists and 20 minute cutscenes in favor of presenting what is probably the most accurate representation of what a ground war is like from the perspective of infantry.

I would imagine in such circumstances there’s a definite lack of 10 minute Tarantinoesque monologues, dramatic pauses and schwerves…at least that’s what common sense tells me.

One funny note is that a lot of the people who bemoaned the lack of cutscenes and narrative in Killzone 2 also complained that Metal Gear Solid 4 had too much narrative and overly long cutscenes, proving that there are some people who simply cannot be appeased.

However some people also complained about the curse ridden script, which I think had the in game characters use the word “fuck” roughly 1,376 times.  Personally, I’m a fan of the word “fuck,” which you’ve probably noticed by now.  Like college basketball legend Robert Montgomery Knight, I find the word “fuck” to be one of the most versatile words in the English language.

My own preference aside…THESE GUYS ARE SOLDIERS IN THE MIDDLE OF A WAR!!  I and many people that I know have used the word “fuck” pervasively in times of stress and/or anger…AND NONE OF THOSE TIMES WERE WE IN A HAIL OF BULLETS OR A STORM OF SHRAPNEL!

Seriously…back at the battle of Stalingrad, when the Nazis were fucking their shit up, I’m pretty sure the Russian soldiers let their equivalent of the words “fuck” and “shit” go.  Not sure why anyone would really question the language of soldiers in such an instance, but I guess it probably has something to do with either naivety or stupidity on the part of those who had a problem with it.  Probably a little of both.

Finally, one thing that Killzone 2 definitely skimped on was variety of weapons.  Games like Halo, Modern Warfare and Borderlands showered gamers with a multitude of weapons and a veritable bevy (if you will) of attachments with which to outfit said firearms.  In fact games like Modern Warfare 2 become addicting to people because most firearms and attachments are only unlocked by levelling up or hitting certain benchmarks with weapon use through multiplayer.

Killzone 2 offers three assault rifles, two LMGs, a single shot midrange rifle, a shotgun, a sniper rifle and a few RLs and GLs for the bitches who aren’t good enough to kill people with bullets.  There are no attachments to be had, no dual wielding capabilities to unlock or any of that stupid shit.  It’s you and your weapon against the other guy and his…no bullshit perks, no cheapass killstreaks, no gay fucking deathstreaks…it’s simply soldier vs. soldier and may the better player win.

Shotguns won’t get off 4 blasts in a second, you can’t strafe left and right with a fucking Gatling gun in your hands, there’s no Blast Shield or Danger Close to make you impervious to grenades…it’s Killzone and despite the fact that you’re a space Marine or a space Nazi, the game offers the most realistic combat experience that a console FPS has to offer.  Please let that stand pat.  Leave the arcadey bubblegum nonsense to those other games, please.

Now, certainly with the addition of Jetpacks, the degree of “combat realism” will take a bit of a hit…but that’s just Fucking A fine with me.  Jetpacks = awesomeness.  They were pretty cool for the brief moments that they were in Killzone Liberation, and I’m positively drooling about trying one out in Killzone 3.  From the little I’ve read from the priviledged few who’ve been able to test them out, you guys nailed it.  Thank you…jetpacks complete me.

So please, Guerrilla Games…don’t dumb down Killzone 3.  There’s games like MW2, Resistance 2 and a whole host of others for the Arcade Style FPS crowd to fawn over.  Killzone is a badass experience…both single player and online multiplayer…and it provides as realistic a depiction of infantry combat as possible on a gaming console.

True greatness is found by carving out your own niche and making the absolute most of what you have once you’ve gotten there.  Killzone 2 was pretty fucking great.  Please, GG…don’t take a step back.  Keep taking steps forward.  There will be haters, but they come out whenever someone pushes boundaries.  Fight through that shit…fuck them and their inability to see past their noses.

I’m not sure how many lapdances Ubisoft Executive Jade Raymond had to give or how many cocks she had to suck to get all those superlative ratings for the original AC…but I’m pretty sure it was a lot, because while it has features that are simply outstanding, the overall game itself is a fucking piece of shit.

At first, AC blew me away.  The decision to make the game’s setting of Crusade-Era Jerusalem, Acre and Damascus was pure genius.  A Masterstroke.  The beauty with which the cities and outlying open lands are rendered is simply awe inspiring.  The Al-Aqsa Mosque, in particular…which of course is built over the ruins of the Temple Of Solomon…is majestic to behold.

…aaaaaaaaaaaand that’s really where most of the game’s merit ends.  Well, the concept was pretty good…but the execution is just awful.  Where to start with the nitpicking??

Well first of all, let’s stick with the locations.  The locations are beautiful and it’s pretty cool that you get to ride between them on horseback, but even that manages to get screwed up.  When passing Crusaders or Saracens, Altair must use the “blend mechanic,” which basically just has him walk or ride at a snail’s pace.  This wouldn’t be so bad if you didn’t have to do it ALL.  THE.  FUCKING.  TIME.

Also problematic is the fact that many times, even though you’re slowly shuffling along in blend mode like an 85 year old invalid, the guards still go into attack mode and come after you.  All that slow, slow, slow walking…for absolutely fucking nothing.  Seriously, this becomes arduous with a quickness.

I’m the kind of guy that doesn’t take in the scenery more than once, and with how ridiculously much the game requires you to suffer this stupid, stupid mechanic, it’s a minor miracle that I had the patience to play this game through to completion.  Honestly, if it wasn’t for the Al-Aqsa Mosque, this game would be pretty much unplayable, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Instead, let us move on to the protagonists.  Yes, that’s right…there’s two of them.  The main protagonist is Altair Ibn La-Ahad.  When we first meet Altair, he’s an overconfident, narcissistic idiot.  He goes into a stealth mission like he’s Rambo, and because he decided to act like a cockstain, he got one of his Assassin companion’s arm cut off and got that guy’s brother killed.  Among other themes the game carries is that of Altair’s journey from incurable fucknut to decent  human being…and it’s not very convincing.

Then there’s the second protagonist…Desmond Miles.  Voiced by Nolan North, who you may know from other, better games, Desmond is a bartender that’s supposed to be a descendant of Altair.  I guess that’s why he wears a grey hoodie.  Throughout the game, Desmond doesn’t do much.  He acts incredulous, he asks way too many questions, he goes to sleep, and he lays down in this Animus thingie that somehow milks Altair’s memories out of Des’s genetic coding.

The graphics…suck.  Well, the buildings and mountains and shit are all really nice, but when it comes to people, the graphics suck…and they suck HARD.  The cutscenes are rendered with the in game engine, and whatever this engine is supposed to do, it makes absolutely crappy and unrealistic facial animations better than any game engine I’ve seen.  It’s seriously laughable.  In Desmond’s cutscenes, he interacts with this prick Dr Vidic and this broad Lucy and together all three of them look like an in game render from a PS2 game…and not necessarily a good one.

Assassin’s Creed is yet another “sandbox” game where players are allegedly able to engage in free roaming…but the problem is that once you’ve seen the Al-Aqsa Mosque, there’s not really much to do.  You can climb to the top of viewpoints and jump into haystacks, but that’s about it.  There are several instances of soldiers bullying Scholars and regular civvies, and if you intervene and help them, you are duly rewarded…but they’re all the same.  ALL.  THE.  SAME.

Really there is no variation or tweaking in any of these encounters…and while I’m talking about these encounters, I’d guess now would be a good time to talk about the combat.  It’s fucking garbage.  Fucking, fucking garbage.

Throwing knives are effective from a distance, but once you’re up close and personal, there’s only one thing to do…draw your sword, hold the R1 button and wait for someone to attack you.  You’re supposed to hit the square button once you see the attack coming, and while Altair is supposed to be a highly experienced assassin, the counter only works half the time…if you’re lucky.

The square button is the only button used to attack, which means that all combat is a simple exercise in button mashing at best.  Again…fucking garbage.

The collision/hit detection is crap, too.  All too often, you’ll try to make a getaway only to be stopped by the clunkiness of the “pupeteering controls.”  Altair has got to be the clumsiest assassin in the history of hired killers.  He stumbles over things that he should easily step over, he stays put when he should climb…and if you need him to move deftly and swiftly (as one would expect an Assassin with his experience should be able to), he’ll more likely than not fail.  He cannot move through a crowd while running…merely touching someone else causes him to stop and stumble.

I could honestly write three pages detailing the faultiness of the control scheme and the fluidity with which Altair should but doesn’t move.  However, given my laundry list of gripes with this game, I’m going to keep it short and say that the controls fucking suck.  So much so that this game makes the first Silent Hill seem like God Of War.

The game is laid out simply enough…there are nine people of importance that Altair needs to assassinate, three in Jerusalem, three in Acre and three in Damascus.  To gain the green light (portrayed as a feather…how cute) with each city’s Assassin Bureau chief (yes…Ubisoft has officially introduced Bureaucracy to gaming), Altair must complete three investigations for every person he is charged with killing.  Like the vigilante encounters mentioned above…these are ALL.  THE.  SAME.

You eavesdrop on one person, pick another person’s pocket and beat the shit out of someone else.  Then you go to the Bureau chief and he gives you a feather that signifies you have his permission to carry out the Assassination.  This may or may not involve a certain amount of ridicule from the Bureau chief and if you’re lucky, a pretty lackluster attempt at witty rhetoric.  It falls pretty flat tho…and the godawful graphics during these exchanges is quite distracting.  Especially with Malek and his one arm.

This bit of plucking around is interesting, not because the investigation missions are fun…they aren’t…but because while Al Mualim, the Master Of Assassins has already told Altair to kill these people, he still has to get permission from the local bureau…despite them being underlings to Al Mualim’s will.

Anyway, that’s getting into too much detail for my tastes.  Bottom line is there are nine assassinations to carry out.  You investigate each the same way, and after three assassinations, this repetition tends to take most of the flavor out of the game.

And once you carry out the nine assassinations, you get to participate in the CHEAPEST final bossfight ever.  Yes, I said “cheap,” and it is.  The final bossfight in Assassin’s Creed…you fight eight or nine versions of Altair’s “master,” Al Mualim…this is Spoiler Alert, after all…is without question the absolute cheapest bossfight in gaming history.  EVER.

The Block And Counter attack that basically gets you through the game becomes totally useless, as you’re taking big damage even when blocking, and that’s only when the game is nice enough to grant you the ability to block successfully…which is only about 10% of the fight.

Despite all of these faults, the aspect of this game that I find the least forgiveable is the fact that for a game that is supposed to be about an assassin, the missions are completely linear in their format.  There is only one way to kill most of the assassination targets, and most of the time that involves walking in through the front door, standing in front of a mob of people and then engaging in a very public fight with numerous guards, soldiers and flunkies of the like before being able to turn your blade on your target.

Seriously…this is a game that bears the name “Assassin’s Creed,” yet employs almost no stealth gameplay whatsoever and does not allow you to sneak into a designated kill area unseen through the back.  You must complete the proper assassinations in the exact way that the developers want you to, and that usually entails doing the exact opposite of what a skilled and experienced assassin would do.  I can’t say it enough…this game is named “Assassin’s Creed,” but has no aspect of stealth at all.  The very notion is deplorable.

This game is not a buy…unfortunately for me…but it’s not a rent, either.  If you are interested in ACII but want to play through the first one…don’t.  Read the plot on Wikipedia and watch the cutscenes on Youtube.  Those parts are really cool, but trust me when I say that you do not want to pay American dollars to either rent or purchase this piece of shit game…honestly, it’s not even worth the time you invest in playing it…just read the wiki, watch the youtube and thank me later.

Assassin’s Creed gets an 8 out of 10…and 3 of those points are for presence of the Al-Aqsa Mosque alone.  As I said in the beginning of this piece, this game’s almost unplayable.  A fantastic concept, pretty decent story and beautifully rendered setpieces are absolutely RUINED by the game’s horribly implemented combat, generally crappy control scheme, horrible character graphics, suckass hit/collision detection and the baby seal clubbing repetition of the missions.

This is a game that damn well should be hard on inducing good, but for the overwhelming majority of the time, it’s either average or crap.  Shit on Assassin’s Creed.

MEMO TO UBISOFT:  I’ll be checking out ACII and posting my impressions shortly.  If you want to have that filthy whore Jade come out and “discuss” my next review, please send me a PM on the forums.  You’ll find that if the right buttons are pushed, I’m quite amenable to coercion.

Insomniac Games

In explaining their choice of EAP, Insomniac studio heads echoed the reasons that the guys from Respawn Entertainment (aka The Guys Who Used To Be Infinity Ward) cited a month ago when they also signed with EA Partners: creative control over and total ownership of any IP they should develop under the terms of the contract.

Personally, I’m not the biggest Insomniac Fan. I didn’t like Resistance: Fall Of Man at all, R2 was big, cool and beautiful…but IMO wasn’t good enough to merit a full SP playthrough. Online multiplayer was good, but not as good as the OMP for other games like Uncharted 2, Killzone 2 or Modern Warfare 2. I’m a big fan of Resistance: Retribution for the PSP, but that’s a Third Person Shooter that was developed by Sony Bend studios.

I’ve honestly never played any of the R&C games, but my sons LOVE them and they’ve for the most part received widespread critical acclaim and sold very well upon release. At the end of the day, despite my preferences, Insomniac is truly a top notch developer that has a history of delivering AAA games that appeal to a broad demographic. I’m sure EA Partners will be more than happy with the results that this partnership will bring to their bottom line.

This is also great news for Insomniac. I’m sure that they received a bucketful of upfront cash to sign with EAP, and if they can continue to develop AAA franchises as they have to date, then they could realistically stand to double their previous profit margins, now that their games will also launch on the Xbox 360.

Of course the fanboys had a few things to say about this, and as with just about everything else they do, it only points out just how sad and pathetic these insecure knownothings are. I’ve seen comments like: “Sony’s going down,” “EPIC FAIL for PS3,” and my personal fave, “PS3 = Dreamcast. Officially.”

I mean…seriously now?? Really?? They’re actually going to go there?? First of all…not like I’d expect ignorant fanboys to notice, but we’re in what’s called a “Global Recession.” I don’t have the time to explain all of that to the fanboys, but basically that means that times is fuckin’ hard. Far be it from me to be the decency police, but cheering for a major corporation to “go down” in a Global Recession is just stupid…especially if you have nothing financially to gain from it.

Going forward however, the rampant stupidity in the fanboy community is even more illuminated by the fact that this move by Insomniac…really doesn’t affect PS3 users. Like…at all. Seriously, they’re not going 360 exclusive…we’re going to get the same games that they release for the 360. If anything, because of their familiarity with Sony’s coding, all of their future games are most likely going to be developed for the PS3 and then ported to the 360.

So congratulations, Xbox Fanboy. You will get a port of Insomniac’s next IP. I’m glad to share this personal triumph with you…even though you triumphed in absolutely no way whatsoever.  That’s okay…all that matters are the delusions that you keep selling yourself.  Good job, Sharp Stuff.

Honestly, they’re a great developer and you’re sure to have a blast playing whatever game it is that they come up with. But please feel free to check yourselves and that ridiculous “Sony’s Going Down” nonsense.

The PS3 isn’t going anywhere. If this were at all of true significance to the “console war,” (which it isn’t) then I’d say that whatever effect Insomniac’s partnership with EAP has, it will be trumped in spades by that multiplatform deal Bungie signed with Activision a little while a go. After all, neither Ratchet, Clank nor the Chimera define the PS3–but certainly Master Chief defines the 360. So please understand…if you want to go all Fanboy about this…you’ve already lost.

But the good news is that this isn’t a loss for anyone. Sure, the 360 will most likely be shut out of Resistance 3, but you 360 gamers WILL be getting a great new IP that’s lots of fun to play. Instead of wallowing in your personal insecurities, how about you try being happy for yourself? I know that asking an ignoramus to grow up is a long shot, but what the hell, right?

So to recap: Congrats to Insomniac, EA Partners, the associated stockholders and sensible 360 owners, the sky is still blue, water is still wet, and fanboys are still idiots. Don’t forget to tip your waitress.