SSX Defies Reality, Pwns The Planet
by The Glue on Mar.08, 2012, under Games
Finally EA has made a game that has caused me to forget and neglect my copy of Call Of Duty Modern Warfare 3. EA’s reboot of the PS2 classic SSX is fucking phenomenal…and while it’s not absolutely perfect, it’s more SSX3 than SSX On Tour. But that’s like saying a rapper’s more Jay-Z than NaS.
Some of you may pick up on what I'm saying here. DJ Redd, if he reads this, may take this as me conceding a point to him.
So EA dropped the SSX reboot on February 28th. I have it and I’m here to tell you that it’s the absolute fucking biz. Before I go further, please allow me to take a moment to further appease any long time, hardcore SSX fans who are still cringing at the Deadly Descent trailer shown at E3 all those years ago…
It’s okay to breathe, guys. If you’re looking for my qualifications, then here: 1- Tokyo Megaplex 2- Untracked 3- Pipedream.
This game is just as awesome as any SSX, and when you look at the overall picture, it’s pretty much SSX3 on a lot of steroids…with new maps.
EA Canada's SSX reboot hit store shelves in North America February 28th.
The trick system…has been revamped. There is a “Classic” control setting, but I’m pretty sure it’s the control map from the original SSX, because the higher functions like spinning on grind rails (D Pad) and nose/tail presses (R3 button in SSX3 and On Tour) do not work. In that sense, it is a shame because the control scheme for SSX3 and SSX On Tour was really absolutely perfect, and if there’s one area of the game that absolutely positively DIDN’T need to change one single iota, that was it.
Despite turning its back on probably the most intuitive controller design of the previous generation, the control revamp works well, but this is both a blessing and a curse. It’s much easier and more intuitive now to mix up your tricks as you’re pulling them. You can gain more diversity and the game is quite forgiving with regard to the ratio of time between the moment you pull out of a trick and the moment your board touches the powder…
…buy in all honesty…it’s a little TOO forgiving. If there’s one complaint to the game, it’s that unless you’re on a survival run, it’s damn near impossible to wipe out while tricking. At least, it is on the first couple of mountain ranges you play. As you level up your character and gear, the ratio I was speaking of gets smaller and smaller, and the game gets less and less tolerant of the player’s greed while pulling massive tricks.
That said, this game flies higher than an SSX has ever flown before. You’ll run into sections of maps that are dead on exact copies of maps from SSX3 and On Tour. At the end of one run, there is the “Roofs and Cables” grinding section from the end of Ruthless Ridge on SSX3. There’s another area of this game where you carve up the giant frozen dam from On Tour.
At the same time, the CG scenes where they introduce you to new mountains in World Tour remind me of the map intros from EA Sports BIG’s Sled Storm offering for the PS2. Overall, and it might just be coincidental in some spots, but this game feels very much like the excellent offerings from EA Sports BIG on the previous generation. It’s not just SSX games but also games like Sled Storm, Shox and Freekstyle.
Real quick, yeah…EA Sports BIG, which I guess became EA Canada or whatever…yeah they were the best developers ever. Best action sports game with the SSX series, best sports game with NBA Street, Best fighting game with Fight For NY…just top notch stuff all around.
Getting back to the game itself…yes, it was a little disappointing when I realized how forgiving the game is when you land…but when you take the game online, that’s when you realize how much more difficult everything is WITH the new system. Confused? I’ll explain.
SSX uses EA’s RiderNet as its multiplayer function. I hear it’s been used in the last couple of Need For Speed titles…but I haven’t played an NFS game since Hot Pursuit on the PS1. Anywho, basically what happens is that every peak that you run in SP is available to run in MP. The runs are still Race, Trick and Survive, and the heats are left open for a period of time. Some heats are open for 30 minutes, some for 2 days, some for a week.
When you finish a run, your score will be tabulated and you’ll be placed into a winner’s bracket…assuming you’ve scored high enough. There are five brackets: Bronze, Silver, Gold, Platinum and Diamond. The lower your bracket, the more people fit in there. I think like 8 people will make the Bronze bracket, six will make Silver, and so on. As other riders register higher scores than yours, you can be bumped down a bracket or even out of the winner’s brackets all together.
And THIS is where you realize that the forgiving nature of the landings in this game really aren’t that big a deal…because the scores that get thrown up on RiderNet are FUCKING INSANE.
I remember the first time I dropped a million on one run in SSX Tricky. It was on Elysium Alps with JP and I felt like I was the man…a fucking Mountain God, set to rock out with my cock out. Well, on day one of RiderNet, I jumped into a weeklong heat and threw down 18 million on the course. Eighteen Mother Fucking Million Points. On one run.
Yeah, that was only good enough to get me into the SILVER bracket…but then when I logged on Monday morning, my score had been kicked out of the winner’s bracket all together. As of Monday afternoon, if you wanted into the winner’s bracket on any level you needed AT LEAST 23 million points.
So yeah…the game may seem easier…that’s because you’re stuck on the pussy ass single player.
RiderNet is awesome. If you have winnings due from heats that close while you’re offline, the next time you log into RiderNet, you will be notified of which heats ended and how many points you got paid out. You find yourself constantly rechecking your scores in open heats to make sure that you haven’t been bumped from your bracket. If you were bumped down a bracket or if you’ve been bumped all together, then it’s time to grab your ice axe and hit the slopes to defend your honor.
Unfortunately, there’s no “party” or “chat” function in SSX’s multiplayer, so there’s no way to hit one slope with a bunch of your friends at the same time. Given that some people shoot through a mountain while it may take others longer to finish, I’m not really sure how party or chat functions could be implemented without ruining the slick vibe and ease of operation.
There’s no matchmaking or anything, and if the online functionality were to include parties or chat, it’d probably have to go to a matchmaking system where the run starts at the same time for everyone, and that would just fucking ruin it. In game chat might be nice, so you can just chat with any friends who might be playing at the same time you are, but I’m also unsure how realistic an expectation that would be.
The benefits, however…are that you never have to wait for a lobby to fill or for others in your lobby to Green Up just to get going. You hit the slopes that you want, when you want. When you’re done with one run, you just move on to the other at your pace. If you want to smoke a bowl or take a shit between runs, you are all set. Just put your controller down and handle your business.
That is correct. RiderNet is..in my not so humble opinion...the best online multiplayer function in console gaming today. Deez fuckin Nutz, Kotick!!!
You also don’t have to deal with lag. See personally, I switched from crapass DSL because I got sick of the lag and dropped signal. So I switched to cable internet; the best residential internet connection that money can buy in my city…and the biggest difference I noticed was how incredibly fucking crappy everyone else’s connection is.
Well for those of you that pay more money to have a tighter connection…RiderNet rewards where other games (especially ones that use P2P servers because the dev is either A) Broke as hell or B) The fucking devil) punish. That’s right…you slobs out there with your shitty ass bobo DSL connection will no longer have the advantage over those of us who pay good money for a stable connection.
Another benefit…and most of you have probably already gone over this in your mind…you don’t have to listen to fucktarded ten year olds drooling into their stepmom’s bluetooth headset while she bangs the mailman. No longer will chumps from the bottom of the scoreboard bombard those of us at the top of it with the typical barrage of “you suck” bullets and “your mom” resets. No sir, you play in peace.
Overall, SSX is a rewarding game that retains most of what made the previous games incredible while updating the controls to be more reflective of how games are played this generation. It’s not quite as slick as SSX3 but it’s bigger and more extreme than all of the previous SSX games combined. The runs are still death defying and the action remains light and over the top.
The graphics aren’t really that great. Honestly I’d say they’re fair to midland for a multiplatinum release…but we don’t buy SSX so that we can oogle at an individual snowflake as it floats past. We buy SSX so we can turn a mountain into our personal bitch…and SSX delivers that in absolute spades. Beyond that, RiderNet gives SSX a level of replay value that’s on the level of games like Call Of Duty and Halo…that is to say A LOT.
SSX gets a 9 out of 10. That score (while not the lowest given to the game) may be colored by my love of the SSX series as a whole, but the game itself does not disappoint in any significant regard. Racing is slick, the interface is intuitive, there are few if any bugs or glitches and it’s got the most addicting multiplayer that I’ve ever encountered.
If you like the action sports genre on any level or if you’re a fan of the Tony Hawk or Skate franchises, then SSX has earned a spot in your collection.
By the way, on both XBL and PSN I’m TheGlue29 and if any of you punks think you can hang with this, then shoot me a friend request, hit up RiderNet and meet me out there…cuz it’s on like Donkey Kong.
Activision to PS3 Elite Subscribers: Fuck Yourself
by The Glue on Feb.01, 2012, under Games
Hi, my name is The Glue and I’m a CoDaholic. I have both a 360 and PS3 and I have EVERY CoD since Cod4. I’ve easily spent hundreds of dollars on DLC for BOTH systems and who knows how many days I’ve sunk into the game…it’s a few.
I’ve enjoyed the single player campaigns immensely despite their brevity. I’ve also thoroughly enjoyed the co op features in the IW games, the zombies and wager modes in the Treyarch games and the competitive multiplayer options in all of them. For some reason tho, I held off on getting Elite.
I’m primarily a PS3 gamer, and while the early release of DLC has helped me before (learn the maps on XBL…own the n00bs who haven’t played them when it drops on PSN), I just couldn’t reconcile another $50 for Elite while knowing that I’d still get my DLC a month late.
Hey fuck you, buddy.
PS3 Elite users who didn’t take that into account are finding out about that just now, and they’ve unleashed a torrent of eRage on Activision for never overtly saying that PS3 Elite users would still get their DLC a month late.
They’ve got a point, too. In the CoD Elite Founders Booklet, on page 7 it specifically says: “Love map packs, but hate the wait? That ends now with Call Of Duty Elite.”
This was taken from the Elite booklet that was included with a friend’s purchase of the PS3 MW3 Hardened Edition. While I’m sure there’s enough plausable deniability for Activision to deflect any legit claims of false advertising or bait and switch…they still told PS3 Elite users in writing that “the wait” for map packs “ends now with Call Of Duty Elite.”
Now I knew this was coming, which is why I never bought into (or bought) Elite in the first place. I also realized that there would indeed be a backlash against Activision from the PS3 Elite Users who actually thought they’d get their DLC on time.
What I didn’t see coming was Activision setting some in house douchebag blogger out to give the finger to said PS3 Elite Users…which is pretty much what they did.
For those among us who can’t be bothered to click a link…I’m one of you, so don’t take that as an insult…I’ll basically grossly paraphrase it. That link goes to a blog called One Of Swords, and is for Dan something or other, who works at Activision…in some capacity or other.
Dan basically goes on his blog and says in a thinly veiled way that the PS3 Elite users who have been complaining about not getting their DLC at the same time as 360 Elite users are idiots for thinking that they would and should shut up and stop bothering him.
He then posted a second, less trite entry in which he tries to say he didn’t mean to be a douchebag…leaving me to assume that he’s just naturally…a douchebag.
There's a new douchebag in town. Cheeseburgers for everyone.
It reminds me of the time that PS3 users were complaining about some other aspect of a CoD game (pretty sure it was MW2) and the Activision fucknut that was chatting with them got bitchy and went to the “Activision can always turn off the PS3 servers for any reason” retort.
Again…I have both systems, but I’m primarily a PS3 gamer. And I’m not gonna lie…I play CoD…a lot…I like CoD…it’s quick fun, I have a lot of friends who play and I’m fairly good at it.
But I don’t like being told to fuck off, and that douchebag Dan whatsisname from Activision’s department of whatever just told a large portion of the PS3 community to fuck off. And for whatever reason…it’s not the first time this kind of bullshit has been levelled at PS3 gamers by Activision.
Now I realize that this will have next to no effect on Activision’s bottom line, and it may not even qualify as a speedbump to those corporate cockmasters, but I’m an American living in a free market, and while I’ve never shied away from speaking out with my voice or a keyboard, I also like to speak with my money.
And I look forward to all that DLC they have planned to drop so that I can officially say “Fuck you, Activision” by withholding any purchase of Activision products going forward.
So yeah, no Elite and no DLC on either system. I might still play zombies, but after the DLC drops for MW3 on PS3, I’ll probably stop playing CoD all together. I hope IW and Treyarch continue to make the games they want to make, and personally I’ve always liked Treyarch, dating back to their Spider Man games the previous gen…
…but fuck that. I’m out. Fuck you Activision…more importantly, fuck you Dan…and your gay ass blog. Seriously…how fucking gay is that name?? ”One of Swords,” you fuckin pantywaist bitch. Blog like you’ve got a cock.
Really Dan…I mean it. Fuck you. And everyone who lives in your house. Your momma ain’t shit.
CoD: A Love Hate Dichotomy
by The Glue on Jan.22, 2012, under Games
As I’m sure is the case with the 2 million + people who are playing it at any given time throughout any given day, there are things that I love about Call Of Duty, and there are things that I hate about Call Of Duty. Due to my dissatisfaction with the status of updates for DLC/Elite for PSN users, I’ve decided that once the DLC drops, I’m officially retiring from regular CoD online play.
That’s right…you punkass n00bs who camp, quickscope or jump around like you’re some gay fucking ballerina, thinking that your weak ass maneuvers will somehow allow you to overcome the Mastodon of Awesome that is myself…sometime in late February, y’all will be able to breathe a little easier, because I won’t be there every night to pwn your worthless bitch asses.
But I’m not here to talk about how much better I am than most everyone else on CoD. No. I’m here to talk about the game I’m leaving, and I’m going to be as honest and upfront as possible. Yes, I rated MW3 a 9 out of 10…but that wasn’t to say it was perfect. Shit…I gave God Of War III and Uncharted 3 10 out of 10, and despite both games very much earning those scores, I still say that neither is “perfect.”
No, as for everything and everyone in life, with greatness also comes flaws, and that’s what I’m going to talk about here. My love and my hate for CoD.
Love...Hate...it's a dichotomy.
I love the constant action, monumental setpieces and blockbuster action of the single player games.
The very first actual mission of Modern Warfare, Crew Expendable is a great example of this. You raid a ship that is suspected of carrying weapons of mass destruction. Halfway through the mission, MiGs come by to scuttle the ship, and you’ve got to escape a drastically different environment than the one you walked into. It’s a simple change in the dynamic of the environment, but it makes a huge difference, and the game is much better for it.
I hate the fact that they’re all over so…SO quickly.
Early on, I learned the primary rule of writing: Brevity is the essence of wit. It’s true. People are more likely to read and react to a block of text that’s just a couple of three or four sentence paragraphs than they are to a wall of text that logs over a thousand words.
Still, that doesn’t mean that you need a one liner to be witty, and MW2 and MW3 are very, VERY quick games. MW2 was over so quickly that I felt personally ripped off…seriously, it was half a game. You put MW2 and MW3 together in one game, and you’ve probably got one of the best shooters ever. Critical acclaim, billion dollar sales, it’s all there.
Problem is that Infinity Ward wasn’t trying to make MW2 a great game, they were trying to satisfy the terms of their contract with Activision before moving over to EA once said contract was up.
Adding to the problem is the fact that Activision and it’s Supreme Leader, BeelzeBobby Kotick only care about the billion dollar sales…and as evidenced by the release of Elite, even THAT isn’t enough to satiate Satan’s desire for more of your money.
I love the fact that you can simply and quickly drop in and out of a game, and while a full round is only typically ten minutes, it’s packed with action, fun and if you’re good like me, a lot of kills.
Coming into CoD, the only FPS multiplayer that I’d logged more than 20 hours on was Killzone 2. For those who don’t know, Killzone 2 online matches were often 90 minute affairs, most games were either 12 v 12 or 16 v 16, and they were filled with multiple and various objectives to accomplish throughout. It was a slog…still fun, not arduous; that took time but also delivered a deeply satisfying online experience.
At first, I felt like CoD’s vaunted multiplayer was a rip off. Every game was 6 on 6 until you unlocked Ground War, and even then it maxed out at 9 v 9. Games were quick…maxing out at around 10 minutes. There didn’t seem to be enough time to do anything, but once I got acclimated, it became refreshing. Got 10 minutes?? Pop in CoD and merc about 20, 30 morons while you wait.
Brevity is the essence of wit, and while I’ll never have the feelings of awesomeness that I got when ripping through those epic 90 minute wars on Pyrrhus Rise, the ability to get in, get some kills and then get out is almost priceless and what it lacks in epicness, it makes up for in quick and simple fun.
I hate the fact that no matter how douchebaggy it is for people to look down their noses at CoD as a pick up and play Arcade n00bfest…that they’re pretty much right.
It was a shock to me when I first came into MW that people were using the Marathon and Lightweight perks to run around like a bunch of methed up polesmokers, knifing people in the back just because they weren’t good enough to pull out their weapon and fire true.
It felt cheap. The first time I ran into an AC-130, I was PISSED. It wasn’t like “Wow!! How do I get one of those things??!” It was more like: ”Are you fucking kidding me? Airborne artillery strikes? How fucking cheap does this game get?”
And it was…it was cheap. Cheap as hell. But then I LEARNED…and I used the cheapness to my advantage…and it was AWESOME. I put away the dual 1887s and substituted dual G18s. I stopped using RPGs and Grenade Launchers to kill people 10 feet in front of me and took a more AR centric and tactical approach.
And it’s made me a better player than the aforementioned Mar+LW, camping, quickscoping, n00b tubing morons out there. But they’re still out there, and they still get some of the less skilled of us cock-having folk who use our bullets and earn every kill.
CoD is a game that isn’t too difficult to pick up and learn and be decent at…but you DO need to hone your game if you want to be good at it. CoD is the one game where n00bs and nametags don’t mind plugging away for days on end with a 0.73 KDR and a 10% Winning Percentage.
Battlefield and Skyrim fanboy may look down on the fact, they fail to realize that THAT is why CoD sold more games the first day than Battlefield sold in it’s first week because CoD appeals to that most hallowed…casual gamer demographic. Scoreboard.
Hate on it if you want...shit only makes you a hater.
Again, I see where they’re coming from, but really…stop yourself and shut the fuck up. You’re not better than Joe Sixpack who was thrilled just now to go 10-18 with no captures in that last round of Domination…and you’re certainly not better than me.
Moving on, I love the pacing of the games. Remembering that since the original SOCOM, the only shooters I’d played online were Metal Gear Online and Killzone 2, the compact nature of the maps and consequentially the rapid fire nature of the combat is kind of a rush. It carries itself off and it’s like a current…you have to keep up or drown.
That said, it really does nothing for me that I can only square a couple of hits of the kushdiesel in between rounds and can’t roll with the L hanging out of my mouth. Not a dealbreaker, but goddamn…pause for the fuckin cause, IW. Shiii.
Of course there’s the lag, the spawning, the ragequitters and the host migration issues that persist to this day…and yes, we all knew they’d be there when we picked up MW3…it doesn’t make those things any less annoying when they poke their heads out.
Of course, I have to hedge my mention of ragequitters, because if I’m in a game and I encounter an inordinate amount of lag or if I’m dropped into a game where my team’s getting clobbered like Lindsey Lohan’s vagina on a Friday night…you know, the score is 175 to 15 and every OP Killstreak you’ve ever wanted is active on your enemy’s side…yeah, I just up and leave those games. Seriously what’s the fucking point?? Stay around and take a beating because you got dropped into the last minute of a Passion Of The Christ style beatdown?
Yeah, fuck that. Call it ragequitting, thumb your nose, whatever. I ain’t tryin’ to hear that jibber jabber.
But yeah, there’s so much shit to be thankful for and so much shit to be disdainful of. I haven’t even really scratched the surface here, but the one thing I don’t want to become in life is that guy that’s got an exhaustive list he’s got to go through.
So bottom lining it, it’s a dichotomy…love/hate.
Rinse And Repeat: Resident Evil 6 Revealed
by The Glue on Jan.21, 2012, under Games
I remember when Resident Evil 4 launched for Gamecube…which is a console that I played, but never owned. Reviewers everywhere lost their shit over the game, with the biggest praise being heaped onto the allegedly new controls that RE4 sported, as well as the fact that you weren’t fighting zombies again.
Ouch.
Well, the game got ported to PS2, and that’s when I found out the horrible truth. The controls weren’t different at all, they just seemed different on the Gamecube’s ridiculous controller. Also, Leon Kennedy wasn’t fighting “zombies,” but yeah…he was pretty much fighting zombies.
Spanish villagers infected with the Las Plagas disease in the game were pretty much zombies…only zombies that weren’t quite as slow or stupid as the zombies from previous RE games. So yeah…RE4 wasn’t at all the departure that delusional reviewers would’ve had you believe…it was pretty much more of the same thing we’d been doing on PS1.
Which isn’t 100% bad…I have no problem with Resident Evil using zombies as pawns. I do however hate the walking turret controls that are so awkward that they make Silent Hill look like Call Of Duty.
And of course I was MORE than facepalming at the fact that Resident Evil 5 was basically the same game, only set in Africa with an AI partner…but we’re not here to talk about that…we’re here to talk about…Resident…Evil…6.
Now you may be aware of the fact that RE: Operation Raccoon City is one of the…well, I’ll be honest, it’s the only shooter I’m looking forward to in 2012…but that’s mainly because IT WILL PLAY LIKE A FUCKING SHOOTER.
Slant Six may have mangled SOCOM: Confrontation when it first came out but by the time they’d issued a year’s worth of patches and fixed the damn thing, it was a goddamned serviceable military shooter. So much so that the same morons who were begging Zipper Interactive to take the reigns for SOCOM 4 are now begging Slant Six to take back SOCOM 5.
…heh…like there’s even gonna be a fucking SOCOM 5. #rolleyes
Anyhow, Slant Six came in and Operation Raccoon City looks like it will be a fun game…instead of an arduous game of hide the valve handle for the clock tower in the police station locker.
Shooter controls aren’t bad…Uncharted has them, GTA and Red Dead Redemption have them…kind of…but they’re a fluid way of maneuvering your playable character through hordes of enemies. Walking while you aim and shoot…it’s kinda like indoor plumbing…once you achieve it, you’re not really sure what the fuck you were doing before the veil was pulled back; you’re only sure that it was fucking retarded.
So yay…more RE canon. As a guy who enjoyed Code Veronica, let me just say…please…Capcom…please…fucking please please please…fix the fucking horrible RE controls BEFORE this hits the market. PLEASE.
…fucking BEGGING you.
SOPA Strike Makes Chris Dodd Bitchy
by The Glue on Jan.18, 2012, under Games
The LA Times is a fuckin rag that typically isn’t worth my time, but today I saw a headline I just HAD to read. Apparently Chris Dodd, whom you may remember was a longtime Democratic Senator for Conneticut, “lashed out” at the many, MANY sites that will be shutting down tomorrow to protest the SOPA bill, which is currently pending in session.
Liberal, hypocrite and all around worthless fucking mutt, Chris Dodd.
He called the strike a “dangerous gimmick” and an “abuse of power” by the internet sites that are participating. Of course, Dodd is now the chief lobbyist for the Motion Picture Association of America, or as I like to call them, The Fattest Cats Of Them All.
The American Film Industry is one of the most globally lucrative entertainment mediums ever created. Even now, as Hollywood scrambles to remake bad movies from the sixties and adapt irrelevant B-Grade comics from Stan Lee’s closet shoebox (way to cash in and sell out, Stan…btw) in response to the total void there is where once creativity sprung free, Hollywood is making hundreds and millions of dollars off of movies that they claim are failures.
Top notch actors and actresses make anywhere from 5 to 20 million dollars just for showing up in a movie, and apparently, that’s not enough money for Hollywood, so they lobbied for SOPA’s creation, which would make it a crime to pirate or stream any kind of music, movie, software etc…punishable by up to FIVE YEARS IN PRISON.
Yeah…that bootleg DVD of Scream 4 you just purchased for $5?? Yeah, that’s FIVE YEARS in the clink, plus up to tens and thousands of dollars in “punitive damages” that these MPAA fat cats would be able to leech from the hardworking people of middle class America.
Chris Dodd, the strike isn’t an abuse of power. No, abuse of power is what you and the MPAA cronies who bought you out are leveraging yourselves to be able to do with SOPA.
The strike, is an expression of protest…which I’m pretty sure is covered in this old document I once read about in school…it’s called THE MOTHERFUCKING CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED FUCKING STATES OF AMERICA…THE GODDAMN BILL OF RIGHTS…AMENDMENT NUMBER MOTHERFUCKING ONE.
So, Chris Dodd…shut your ridiculous fucking pie hole and go back to being irrelevant. Google, Wikimedia and a whole mess of other sites are going to black out Wednesday in an expression of protest. Call it “Unoccupy the Internet.”
And get used to it, because if SOPA passes, it’ll be the end of much of the internet that you all have grown to know and love.
O and fuck Chris Dodd.
Euchre app by AgileFusion: Review
by The Glue on Jan.15, 2012, under Games
Euchre is my favorite card game. It’s a game where talkin shit and being an asshole matter just as much as knowing what the fuck you’re doing. At least when you’re drunk it does, anyways. Back in the late 90s when I was employed by a dotcom (that flamed out like most did during the dotcom boom), I enjoyed playing the community Euchre games on Yahoo.com.
Android and tablet dev AgileFusion have put out a Euchre app that we downloaded for our family nook Color, and I feel so strongly about it that I just had to review it for iMG.
Please let me start by saying that Euchre is NOT like poker or any other card game you’ve played. The game it most closely resembles is Spades, but it is still a totally different game.
If you aren’t familiar with Euchre, please excuse me because I’m going to use a lot of game specific jargon and I’m not going to explain it to you.
Spades...alone...bitches.
I’ll spoil it upfront. This game fucking sucks balls. It’s only redeeming value is that it is, in fact a Euchre game that you can play whenever you please. Other than that, it’s just about useless.
Where to begin? Well for starters, let’s talk about the rules. This game doesn’t have the hardcore rules that require you to play alone if you order up trump on a hand your parter has dealt, but it DOES have a rule that I’ve never come across and is completely fucking stupid.
If all four players pass on trump after the deal, players can either call trump…OR…OR…they can…wait for it…they can elect to play…without trump.
Without fucking trump??!!?!?!
Yes. And it’s fucking stupid, as I’m sure you’ve already surmised. I’m not going to go any further into it…it’s just that fucking infuriating.
Second…let’s talk about your partner AI.
Stupid isn’t a fucking good enough word for it…this fucking numbnuts of an AI doesn’t even know how to fucking play Euchre.
The partner AI (which will heretofore be known as “numbfuck”) orders up trump without even having so much as three trump cards or an off suit ace in its hand. Numbfuck also doesn’t know how to throw off. Numbfuck will throw off with trump ON A TRICK THAT YOU’VE ALREADY WON, despite having low, off suit cards available to throw off with.
If Numbfuck is to the left of the dealer and trump isn’t called, then Numbfuck will call “Without Trump” 75% of the time…despite the fact that he’s got a farmer’s hand.
Speaking of farmer’s hands, you will be dealt A LOT of farmer’s hands. If you or Numbfuck is dealing, you will be dealt a farmer’s hand close to 85% of the time.
If you by chance are dealt a candidate for a loner, you can be damn sure that you won’t get a chance to act on it. You almost never deal yourself a loner, as that’s happened to me exactly once in what must be over a thousand hands that I’ve played.
Numbfuck will piss you off. I’ve yelled at Numbfuck louder and more vociferously than I’ve yelled at those stupid little lagging bitches on Call Of Duty, more than I cursed Zeus in the Spiked Floor Room of God Of War, more than I cursed Naughty Dog during the Jet Ski ride on Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune.
Despite all that, it IS a Euchre game and it does function, if minimally. If you can get past the ridiculous Without Trump call or the mind bogglingly superlative level of stupidity with which Numbfuck plays, you will find yourself enjoying trick after trick, hand after hand of Euchre.
The opponent AI isn’t quite as stupid as Numbfuck, but it’s still pretty fucking retarded, and you’ll find yourself collecting a lot of Euchres from them ordering up trump when they shouldn’t be. I guess that’s the only reason why I haven’t deleted this waste of $0.99 from my nook, because the opponent AI is almost too stupid to win a full deal.
AgileFusion’s Euchre app for smartphones and tablets gets a 4 out of 10. It’s a broken game…not because the design sucks, but because the rules are fucked and Numbfuck is your partner. It’s still playable, but that’s only because Euchre is such an awesome fucking game.
Buy at your own risk. There are far better things you can do with a dollar…like wipe your ass with it.
CoD Elite Can Suck Deeeeez Nutz.
by The Glue on Jan.11, 2012, under Games
Okay this is going to be just a little quick hit. Of course with the release of MW3 came the release of Call Of Duty Elite, which is CoD’s little social networking/stat tracking/clan building website. Kind of like Killzone.com or Halo Waypoint…except for the fact that Activision wanted Elite to be a springboard for charging the CoD userbase a subscription fee on top of the $60 that we already paid for the game itself.
The Lord of the Flies, The Spoiler of Virgins, The Master of Abortions, "Beelze" Bobby Kotick
Faced with the fact that social networking alone was NOT going to get them the $50 extra per player that they want, Activision went ahead and offered all the upcoming DLC for MW3 as part of the Elite package, which as I understand it does offer legit savings.
Here’s my problem. Elite costs as much for PS3 users as it does for 360 users, but PS3 users will STILL have to wait out the month of timed exclusivity that 360 users get before they can have access to the DLC. What’s more is if you PAY for Elite, you can only use the DLC voucher for ONE system…regardless if you’ve got active PSN AND XBL accounts.
Now…I have a 360…and at last check I had CoD2, MW, MW2, BO and MW3 for the 360. The thing is that I’m primarily a PS3 gamer. There are legit reasons for that above and beyond “ZOMG, Sony >>> M$ FTW” that I won’t go into here, but the fact is that I’m a PS guy first…it is what it is. Typically I buy all the DLC for both systems, but I’m not buying any this time around.
I wanted to get Elite…but why am I going to pay the same money that 360 guy is paying to STILL get my shit a month late?
Now I’m not one of those people who is completely ignorant in the ways of business; I understand that Activision and Microsoft have a contract regarding timed exclusivity and I’m sure there would be significant financial ramifications for Activision to offer DLC to PSN users during the period of negotiated timed exclusivity to XBL users…
…but that isn’t good enough for me as a consumer.
I’m not buying Elite and I’m not buying any MW3 DLC. If Activision is ever able to modify their DLC agreement with M$ so that PSN users who subscribe to Elite can get access to DLC from the first moment it becomes available to XBL users, then I might change my mind.
But this is bullshit. Sure…I’ll miss out this time around, but to be honest…MW3 isn’t that difficult. I finish most games in the top 3 overall scoring, I almost always go positive, and I may not have a 2.0 KDR, but I also don’t camp on objective games trying to pad my stats when I should be trying to help my team win.
Fact is, I’m a very good CoD player, at least in the games I play in, (as I said) I’m usually top three. It’s been that way since about a month into MW2, and it hasn’t really gotten any more challenging since then.
As such, I’m not even sure if I’m going to be motivated to boot up a CoD game again once SSX drops…
I mean, being good at something…or being better than most at something is pretty cool, but I’ve been doing this CoD thing for three or four years now. It’s kinda like winning the Special Olympics. Yeah, I won…but I’m still a retard. XD
Just kidding…only douchebags look down on CoD vets just because they’re not playing Battlefield or Skyrim or whatever other gayass game that somehow makes those who play it better than those who play CoD…#getthefuckoveryourself
But yeah. Fuck Elite. If I can get the maps on PSN from the moment they’re available, then maybe I’ll think about picking it up. But as long as timed exclusivity reigns over the DLC’s availability to PSN Elite subscribers, then buying Elite for either system will always be out of the question.
And to reflect somewhat in the words of Bobby Kotick, “…if they don’t do something about (this) soon, (I’ll) have to seriously evaluate weather or not I will continue to support (the CoD franchise) going forward.”
That’s right…fuck you Kotick, you horse fucking cock goblin.
The Douchebags Ride Again
by The Glue on Dec.28, 2011, under Games
Okay so over the past couple of days there’s been this brouhaha about this Ocean Marketing and one of their customer service reps getting lippy with people about their penile enhanc–ERRRR, controller attachments. The general response is “Screw that guy!! He can’t get snarky with paying customers!! They’re like…always right!!”
You can read the entire exchange of emails as they escalated on this website here.
…aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand then Baby Jesus cried, pulled out his billy club and went looking for the first flock of baby seals he could find.
First of all, I want to say that I saw the ads for the “Avenger Control” (which will heretofore be referred to as “n00b crutches”) when they came out and anyone who thought either A) This was anything other than a cheap clip on and/or B) This would in any way actually “improve” their in game performance, probably needs to be hit over the head with a tackhammer for being a retard. This Avenger thing-a-mabob looks to be the most useless piece of shit since Kevin Pereira. If you have to attach all that crap to your controller to be “good” at CoD, then you should probably find a different game.
Secondly, and this goes to the site that posted the email exchanges, I particularly like the part where this “Gabe” guy from penny-arcade.com mentions how he’s removed email addresses and “other personal information,” like he’s some kind of champion of personal privacy…and then he goes right ahead and gives the offending customer service representative’s full first and last name.
Of course, since this story “broke”, cranky CSR Paul’s picture and personal history have since been stalked down and mass published by various internet gaming publications. The “Ocean Marketing” company Paul worked for is no longer representing the sweatshop that makes the $50 clip on that it takes $0.15 to produce, and you can only assume that Paul’s out of a job. Yeah…”Gabe”…great job “removing” all that “personal information.” If anything, Gabe comes off as a bigger douche than Paul does.
After all, Paul’s just a bitter CSR who probably made less than $30,000 per year dealing with ridiculous bullshit from thousands of whiney bitches just like “Dave” over and over and over and over again. Yeah, sure…go ahead and pull the “Should’ve gone to college and gotten a better job” shit if you want to, but SOMEONE has to answer all those bitchy emails, just like SOMEONE has to flip those burgers, and SOMEONE needs to make sure there’s no damn pickles on my Whopper Jr., and as long as it’s a PERSON doing those things, they’ll have opinions (usually pointed) about the smarmy and often willfully ignorant people who refer to themselves as “customers.”
If you have one of these, you suck at shooters, and probably also fail at life.
Now I’m going to preface this by saying that I’ve worked in both retail and customer service, and as anyone who has worked in either or both of those fields knows…there’s a lot of people out there who need to be told to put their alleged “Big boy hats” on and just shut the fuck up. Sorry…I know a lot of people out there still love to cling to this antiquated notion that “The Customer Is Always Right,” but yeah…that’s a load of bullshit and y’all need to get the fuck over yourselves.
Don’t think I’m missing the point, tho. Certainly a line was crossed that shouldn’t have been. You don’t talk to your customers as if they’re annoying little bitches…even if they do in fact, happen to be annoying little bitches. The emails should’ve said “The n00b crutches shipped late from China and were further delayed in customs. Sorry but there’s nothing I can do to get them to you faster.” Maybe a discount should’ve been offered…”Dave” certainly asked for one, albeit in a very roundabout and snarky way, but given the situation, throwing the kid a sawdog couldn’t have hurt.
My problem here is with Dave and Gabe. When “Dave” became aware that he wasn’t getting his stuff when he needed or wanted it, he should’ve pulled his order. Late shipping from China and delays through customs aren’t anything that any CSR is going to be able to fix. Those problems are referred to as “Logistical Nightmares” and if you or any of your friends find yourselves in one, the best solution is to find your way out of it ASAP. Sending snarky emails suggesting that you’re going to cancel and then reorder only to take advantage of a recent discount offer still won’t solve the problem that your gear shipped late from China and was being delayed through customs…so simply pulling the order and going to your local Gamestop would be the Intelligent Man’s Choice.
No, Dave clearly chose the Unintelligent Man’s Choice by goading Paul into a defensive position. Paul then made the More Unintelligent Man’s Choice by taking Dave’s bait and suggesting that he grow up. Dave then went Internet Tough Guy on Paul, sent him the dreaded wall of text, while simultaneously going Punkass Bitch by forwarding the emails to “Gabe” at penny-arcade.com. Gabe then went and exposed the cranky CSR’s identity to the internet and now his name, picture and personal history are posted and available for viewing on several gaming sites.
Yeah…stay classy, Gabe. Maybe you could find out where his mom works so we can email her and piss her off, too. Does she have a dog?? Can we kick it?? How about kids?? Does he have kids?? Can we get to them at school…you know, like Anonymous wanted to do with Howard Stringer and Jack Tretton?
Douche.
Look, there’s only two types of reactions, here. Those from people who HAVEN’T ever worked in retail and/or customer service industries, and those from people who HAVE.
The people who HAVEN’T probably recoiled in horror at Paul’s “big boy hat” blast, aghast at the notion that some nametag with a headset wouldn’t joyfully respond to people asking the same question for the fifth or fiftieth time, and went to bed butthurt so hard that their grandkids won’t be able to sit properly until puberty sets in.
Those people who HAVE probably stood and clapped at Paul’s “big boy hat” blast, wishing that it’d been a bit more pointed…maybe using “big boy undies” instead, to clarify to this jackhole “Dave” just how childish and stupid he was being…maybe including some brute repetition like: SHIPPED LATE FROM CHINA. STUCK IN CUSTOMS. STUCK IN CUSTOMS. STUCK IN CUSTOMS. HELLO? McFLY?? ANYBODY HOME?? DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH??
But the bottom line is that the world is full of idiots and douchebags…and just because a few people show you one douchebag in action DOESN’T mean that you should ignore the douchebags who are stupid enough to pay $100 for n00b crutches…ONLINE…sight unseen…WITHOUT a firm date of receivership.
Nor should you ignore the douchebags who say things like “I’m going to remove email addresses and personal information…by the way, the person you want to hate on is named ‘Paul Christodolfocandalario.’”
Yes, it DOES make you a douchebag when you post someone else’s personal info. That’s why noone mentions usernames when complaining about lagging on public forums…BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE BEING A DOUCHEBAG, JUST LIKE GABE OVER AT penny-arcade.com is.
Metal Gear Rising Will Most Likely Suck Balls.
by The Glue on Dec.13, 2011, under Games
I’m going to preface this by saying that if you are one of the people who ‘don’t get’ the Metal Gear Solid franchise, you should probably find something else to read, because what I’m about to say may confuse/insult you…and I’m really not trying to do either.
So yeah…Spike TV and GameTrailers TV get together every December to host their Video Game Award show (cunningly titled : The VGAs), and while the awards are simply a (now apparently boated and meaningless) quantification of the subjective measure of games, they DO serve the purpose of giving us (what’s supposed to be) awesome new trailers for upcoming features.
Pay no attention to how retarded that title is.
Unfortunately, that’s not what happened for Metal Gear Solid: Rising. First we were told that MGSR was shitcanned because the project could not be “brought into focus.” Initially that confused the shit out of me because when the hell has any Metal Gear Solid game been brought into focus??
Then, we were told that Platinum Games (who you may recognize from such tripe as Bayonetta and…and…well, Bayonetta) stepped in to revive the game, which has since undergone a host of changes.
First, allow me to show the trailer that debuted at E3 in 2010:
Before this weekend, we were led to believe that MGSR would bridge the gap between Metal Gear Solid 2 and Metal Gear Solid 4…telling the story of Raiden rescuing Sunny from the Patriots and delivering the somehow still living body of Solidus Snake (tho they thought it was Big Boss) to Big Mama.
Well, now that THAT has been axed, Platinum Games then stepped in to fill the void and now we have a new game…set AFTER the events of Metal Gear Solid 4…although it seems that Raiden got back into the exosuit that he was so climactically removed and restored from at the end of MGS4. Hmm. Weird.
Whatevs, and without further ado…the trailer from the VGAs.
Whafuck?? WHAFUCK??!?!??!?!~!
Really?? You’re taking Metal Gear Fucking Solid…and “Rebooting” one of the worst characters in the entire franchise…by turning MGS into some gay ass Devil May Cry ripoff??!!?!?!?!
Seriously, are you fucking kidding me? Look…Devil May Cry games might as well come with branded eyeliner…and Bayonetta was basically softcore smut masquerading as a hack n slash game. The whole object of the game is to pose Bayonetta and her Dealbreakingly Too Small head in different sexually suggestive positions…
…oh yeah and there’s the part where you build up your attacks so she’ll take her clothes off.
…and the fucking TITLE of the new game?? ”Revengance??” Really?? Seriously?? Fucking “REVENGANCE”??!?!!?! So Konami’s just making up words now, Revengance??!?! That’s just fucking fantastical.
THIS is the developer that Kojima hands THE MOTHERFUCKING METAL GEAR SOLID FRANCHISE off to?? That’s like ordering a perfectly cooked medium Kobe Steak with a Swallow’s Nest salad from the Lyell Avenue McDonald’s…IT’S A FUCKING DELUSION!!!
Fucking depressing. I was perusing the comments on different net publications of this same article and far too many people expressed happiness…and I guess that’s what Konami’s always wanted out of the Metal Gear Franchise…
…to market their game not only to the intelligent and discerning fanbase that Kojima and his cerebral games have cultivated over the years…as well as to the standard sexless idiot that uses video games to fill the void in his life where girlfriends and a social life should be.
Kojima took the company line here, expressing what seemed like happiness with the direction of the game. I imagine he’s probably crying inside, and I can’t help but think that he should’ve untethered himself from the milk machine that is Konami YEARS ago.
Honestly for all the crap I give Activision, they put out a playable product each and every year. Bobby Kotick doesn’t go up to Infinity Ward or Treyarch execs and say: ”Hey guys…this year…let’s take everything we’ve laid in place over the last ten years…and totally crap on it. Then, let’s make the gayest character in the canon EVEN MORE GAY!!!” Yeah, no…Zach Braff won’t be doing the voice for Captain Price in MW4…AND THAT’S BECAUSE ACTIVISION PLAYS LIKE THEY HAVE A COCK!!!!
Konami of course USED to be the gold standard in gaming, but ever since Silent Hill 3, they’ve been straight up garbage. They tried (admirably, from what I heard) to revive the Castlevania franchise, but today the once juggernautish Konami is two franchises: Silent Hill and Metal Gear Solid…and in case you didn’t get it in the paragraph’s first sentence…Silent Hill has sucked donkey balls since halfway through SH3.
Kojima has wanted to persue other projects, including alleged new IP in the past, but Konami insists that he oversee and develop Metal Gear game after Metal Gear game, if only to keep them solvent. Don’t believe me?? Here’s a chronology starting from Metal Gear Solid…which we know isn’t even the beginning of the series, but I digress…
1999 – Metal Gear Solid - PS
2000 – Metal Gear Ghost Babel - Game Boy Color
2001 – Metal Gear Solid 2 Sons Of Liberty - PS2, Xbox
2002 – Metal Gear Solid 2 Substance - PS2, Xbox
2004 – Metal Gear Solid The Twin Snakes - Gamecube
2004 – Metal Gear Solid 3 Snake Eater - PS2, Xbox
2004 – Metal Gear Ac!d - PSP <—-Seriously?? A fucking Metal Gear CARD GAME??!?!?!
2005 – Metal Gear Solid 3 Subsistence - PS2, Xbox
2005 – Metal Gear Ac!d 2 - PSP
2006 – Metal Gear Solid Portable Ops - PSP
2007 – Metal Gear Solid Portable Ops Plus - PSP
2008 – Metal Gear Solid Mobile - Smartphones
2008 – Metal Gear Ac!d Mobile - Smartphones
2008 – Metal Gear Solid 4 Guns Of The Patriots - PS3
2009 – Metal Gear Ac!d 2 Mobile - Smartphones
2010 – Metal Gear Solid Peace Walker - PSP
2011 – Metal Gear Solid HD Collection - PS3, Xbox 360
2011 – Metal Gear Solid 3D - 3DS
2012 – Metal Gear Rising Revengance - PS3, Xbox 360
That makes Activision’s development cycles for Call Of Duty and Guitar Hero look restrained and reasonably moderate.
But back to the point, Konami has been sucking new and progressively more ridiculous iterations of Metal Gear from Kojima’s teet for long enough, and even though he never would consider such a thing, I personally believe that it’s in everyone’s best interest if Kojima dissociates himself with Konami as soon as possible.
Maybe then he can make a game HE ACTUALLY WANTS TO MAKE…or at least one that’s good, anyways.
Now maybe Raiden can build attacks so his suit comes off and then we can have fun putting his semi naked body into poses that are fun and not too homoerotic…just like those pathetic losers who paid $59.99 for Bayonetta did.
I mean…let’s not kid ourselves…it wouldn’t be the first time we’ve seen “Jack The Ripper” naked, now would it??
Uhhh...wow. Gay, dude.
But seriously this is fucking bullshit. I was actually kind of excited for MGSR, despite the fact that it was slated to be Raiden centric. I’d felt his character grew in MGS4 and quite honestly without Rose there to bitch and moan about how much the dude doesn’t like furniture, I figured he had a chance to come off as potentially heterosexual.
I mean come on…Raiden was so gay in MGS2 that Kojima created a gay character, Raidenovich for MGS3.
All hyperbole aside, this fucking sucks. Not sure how “Focus” suddenly came to matter in Hideo Kojima’s universe, but it’s a damn shame that KP had to hand the reins over to such a crude studio that panders only to the lowest common denominator.
The Metal Gear franchise has produced some of the more enduring and cerebral games ever over the years, using its narrative to make pointed observations about not only the state of politics and warfare in the world, but also about the human condition itself. I’ll say it that the Metal Gear Solid franchise is as close as the industry has come to finding an equivalent to books good enough to be deemed “Literature.”
…and now Konami’s hired the clowns at Platinum Games to fix their mess. Well, at least there’ll be more tits and ass in Metal Gear Rising Revengance. Someone will have to let me know how it turns out tho…because I’ll never fucking play that trash.
BF3 DLC Next Week; EA Needs To Check Selves.
by The Glue on Dec.04, 2011, under Games
I was going to do some dramatic buildup for this. EA was my favorite PC game publisher and Activision was my favorite console game developer in the 80s. I was going to talk Pitfall, The Bard’s Tale, I was going to envision a fight between John Riccitello and The Fucking Devil (we all know who he is)…it was going to be the shit.
But then I realized that like onions and Shrek, this conversation is going to have a lot of layers to it.
Layers, bitches.
We’ll start by coming clean. A couple of years ago, I was pissed that Activision was charging $14.99 for the Stimulus DLC package for MW2. It was three new maps, two maps ported from Modern Warfare, and the price was about double what it should’ve been worth. When it dropped, it sold like gangbusters…which served to disappoint my faith in the collective intelligence/fiscal responsibility of the gaming community.
There was also the fact that all CoD DLC releases a month earlier on Xbox Live than it does for PC or PS3, but that’s not an issue at all for me; Micro$oft paid dearly for that month…so give them their month already.
The subject of timed exclusivity is, however more fuel for the rabid Activision/360 haters/PS3 fanboys who were pissed like me about being overcharged for recycled content.
Of course…I (and apparently everyone else) eventually bought the Stimulus pack, so…I guess we see what happens to the so called “intellectually superior” among us. :$
But today comes the news of EA’s impending release of the Back To Karkand DLC pack for its hugely popular military shooter Battlefield 3. You can find the official blog post here, but I’ll go ahead with the particulars:
On Tuesday December 6th, Back To Karkand releases on the Playstation Network.
New weapons, unlockable through completing new assignment tasks, become available as well as six new Playstation Network Trophies.
Also included are the Wake Island, Sharqi Penninsula, Gulf Of Oman and Strike At Karkand multiplayer maps…which are some of the most played multiplayer maps of previous Battlefield games, complete with destructible environments.
On Tuesday December 13th, Back To Karkand releases for PC and Xbox Live for $14.99.
So…we have…weapons unlockable through assignments or some shit…and four maps…ALL OF THEM ports of previous BF games…released one freaking week early on PS3…for $14.99.
Really EA?? Really?? Are you fucking kidding me??
Look…I know I said I’d waive a blow by blow but fuck it. EA did some massive trash talking leading up to Battlefield 3, and even though the console versions of the game simply weren’t capable of getting the attention and features that the PC version got, they were clearly looking to leverage Battlefield‘s PS3 following in a similar fashion to the way Activision leverages Call Of Duty‘s 360 following.
The problem is that Sony is not Micro$oft, and they are almost never the eager beaver to go paying developers for timed exclusivity. Back when The Fucking Devil made the ludicrous claim that Activision might stop developing for the Playstation platform, he didn’t do it because of the PS3′s price, as has been said. He did it because Sony wasn’t going to pay for timed exclusivity or additional DLC features.
Now, EA was thinking that they should develop the same relationship with Sony that Activision has with M$, but they forgot that Sony is still Sony and no matter how big your titties are, they’re not going to make it rain for you.
Wow. Same cover as Modern Warfare and Modern Warfare 2.
So first EA announced that the cult classic FPS Battlefield 1943 would be packaged with all PS3 copies. For some reason, that fell through…which is something EA did not address until just prior to launch, when they announced that PS3 users would instead have early access to BF3 DLC…by a week.
A week? A week? You mean seven fucking days??
Seriously, EA?? Okay, regarding BF1943…it was a fuck up. Fanboys raged and raged and EA found themselves in the unfortunate position of having to right a wrong. They subsequently announced that they will release a download for BF1943 for all the PS3 users (at least the ones who bought BF3 new anyways)…but that doesn’t take the gaffe’s egg off of EA’s face.
But this one measley week of timed exclusivity??!?!?!
Seriously it’d be better if they didn’t do timed exclusivity at all. In the grand scheme of things, one week isn’t going to matter to anyone. Not to Sony, not to M$, not to Activision and not to EA…other than keeping their 360 userbase from giving them more money.
MW3 has a month of timed exclusivity…to even entertain the idea of one week of timed exclusivity for BF3 makes EA look like they’re reaching…on their tippie toes.
Seriously EA, timed exclusivity isn’t an issue. The only time I play CoD on my Xbox Live account is when there’s new DLC…and I ONLY do that to learn the maps so that one month later, I will have an advantage over the PSN users who are only playing the maps for the first time.
My friends on PSN who play CoD online…even the die hards…those guys are not about to run out and get a 360 because of timed exclusivity. It’s never even a factor in the conversation.
By giving PSN one week of DLC timed exclusivity, you’re not even fanning the flames of the fanboy v fanboy wars. If anything, you’re humiliating the PS3 fanboys with your one freaking week of timed exclusivity…which they can only compare to 360 fanboys’ full month of CoD TE. Talk about bringing a knife to a gunfight.
But that’s not even where EA fucked up the most.
FOUR freaking maps??!! ALL OF THEM are ports of maps from previous games??!! FOR FUCKING FOURTEEN NINETY FUCKING NINE???!?!!?!?!?!
Look…EA…I love you. Since The Bard’s Tale and the first Madden game you guys released on Genesis…I’ve loved you. I’m a beast on your NHL games. SSX3 is my favorite game ever and I’ve prepurchased my copy of SSX which hits in February. Seriously…I love you guys. Which is why I hope you’ll take me seriously when I say:
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Four recycled maps for $14.99. I give a fuck about the new weapons…honestly if they’re not in the disc version of the game, then they’re not really worth having.
But seriously. At least the Stimulus pack gave FIVE maps…THREE OF WHICH were brand new. You’ve got FOUR maps…not a god fucking damn one of them unique to Battlefield 3…and you’re charging the full $14.99 for them.
I’ll be honest. I haven’t bought CoD’s ELITE yet. Not even sure if I will…for a couple of reasons which I will delve into another time…but I’ll buy ELITE before I buy BF3 and/or any of it’s DLC.
Check yourself, EA. Don’t make promises that you can’t or won’t keep. Don’t make it look like you’re reaching, even if you are. For fuck’s sake, you’re FUCKING EA. Despite the fact that MW3′s sales dwarf BF3′s sales, BF3 still sold a fucking shitton of video games in a crappy, crappy economy.
On top of that, EA has yearly powerhouse franchises like Madden and FIFA which sell millions of copies…on top of a litany of AAA franchises like Dead Space, SSX, Dragon Age, Need For Speed, Mass Effect, Skate and the freaking Sims.
You make yourselves look bad when you don’t have to. BF3 is (from what I’ve heard and read) a very good, very popular game. In trying to ingratiate yourself to PS3 users, you only managed to piss them off. Yes, many are only too willing to rage against Activision and CoD…but if you want that crossover appeal, then relax.
You’ve already got it. Go Madden Legends, take a tip from Barry Sanders and act like you’ve fucking been there before.
